Fading out under the rain.

I’ve been having bad dreams lately. Dreams where I am more gutsy- more resilient- than I am in real life. Many of them, if not most of them, involve my sister, “E”. Even typing the word “sister” in reference to her makes me feel disgusting, as if admitting it out loud, or even via computer, is shameful.

Her inability to accept me shakes me to my core. Why? Why do I care? Some days I don’t, and other days it all comes tumbling down like a pile of bricks. I see her as an embodiment of all my fears- the physical manifestation of the rejection I've felt forever even though it has no logic.

Rejection, in any shape or form, from my biological family just hurts me more than I can ever say. It is my biggest fear, it is my most powerful phobia. Logically, I know that the initial rejection, my adoption, had nothing to do with me.

Why doesn’t that make me feel better..?

I have gotten better with my rage. I no longer hate her passionately, I no longer feel ill with anger just at the thought of her. I never knew that I could feel such emotions. I never knew that I could be so awful. It scared me, I think, to feel such anger at someone whom I was supposed to love.

I’ve never let myself feel these emotions. I buried them for years. I know why I was placed for adoption. I know my birth family. I know why my birth sister doesn’t want to know me , I know that it has very little or nothing to do with me as a person. I know all about it. I know everything. But knowing doesn’t help me.

Somewhere, deep inside, their rejection stings. It doesn’t matter that it had nothing to do with me when I was a child, that it isn‘t really about me now. Nothing will make it go away. Why? I have no idea.

In my dreams, I am angry. I confront my sister, I shove her a little bit. I demand to know what her problem is. I demand that she get over it. I tell her every nasty, hurtful thing that I’ve ever thought in my mind. In my dream- there is no regret, there are no consequences for my actions. In my dream I don’t wonder what I did wrong, where things went sour. I am powerful, I am resilient, I am strong- outraged at this betrayal. In my dream I am pure rage- never tiring from fighting a battle I never had a chance at winning.

Then I wake up, and all candor and belligerence float away. I am no longer gutsy, enduring, or potent. I am the hurt child- the child who is sure that if I blink, if I do one thing wrong, they will disappear again. I am the sister who hurts, who is angry and insulted, and who would never have the audacity to be mean. I am the sister who waits quietly for acceptance, knowing it may never come. I am the sister who is not sure if I will ever be able to love her again, trust her again. I’m the sister who wakes up and wants to go back and dream again- to escape to a place where we have no regrets.

la corsa..

I'm drinking the worst peach iced tea that I've ever tasted in my life. It's some sort of generic brand of "Crystal Light" but dear Lord...it's absolutely horrible.

I should be doing a lot of things right now. I should be reading " Il Gattopardo," or perhaps getting through my endlessly long Italian grammar book that I promised myself I would finish before term starts in August. I should give my dog a bath, I should do some dusting around the house, and I certainly should be studying. Should I say studying once more?


Instead, I'm here. I am waiting for news to come via mail, or via phone. I've been waiting for so long, and the wait never seems to get any shorter. It's just one setback after another. I hardly expect to hear any news. Everyday I do my thing, and while it's always in the back of my mind, I don't get my hopes up anymore.

Sometimes I feel like, as a woman who was adopted, I can never fully "grow up." When in search of information about myself that others take completely for granted,I am treated almost as a common criminal. Proof of identity, therapy sessions to gauge my readiness, months and months of waiting for this bureaucratic nightmare to end. Both adult parties are willing and ready to meet- why am I constantly being infantilized?


I know that this isn't true. Confidentiality issues and waiting are a part of the world. I'm just tired of having to constantly prove myself in an attempt to know myself. I'm not a child. I'm not stupid. I deserve (dare I say it?) to know the truth , the whole truth and nothing but the truth- about myself..


These things all go through my mind until reality seeps in and I realize that this is how the government works, and that these blockades are put into force in an attempt to reduce problems later on. I know this. I accept it and have no real problem playing by the rules. The wait is just torture. It's long. but I have hope that it won't be fruitless.


In other news- I'm happy with my life as it is. I'm dieing for classes to start, excited about the potential of getting some color this summer, and generally happy with my relationships, familial and otherwise.


There's only one thing missing...and hopefully it will come soon enough.

WOOP!

I have experienced a miracle. I got the call a few days ago, telling me that J wanted to not only tal kthrough letters and phone calls, but that she wanted to MEET ME. IN PERSON. My J wants to meet me. I cannot believe it. I am on cloud nine. Dare I hope for the best?
Things had been stagnant for WEEKS. ALl of a sudden, as if by magic, I got the best news I could hope for. Now, all J and I need to do is get a 1 hour therapy session to prove that we are emotionally ready to know eachother, and then we will finally be given eachother's contact information!

Tomorrow I am going to go to my appointment, and then promptly afterwards I will be attending mass at 5:00 at St. Patricks in Manhattan. God has heard my prayers. For me there is no more explanation than that.

I can hardly believe that after all these months of waiting this will finally happen for me. I hope that this will finally be the peace I've been waiting for. I hope that I can be the person that J needs, that she has longed for.

Tomorrow I will go to Mass, and I will say a silent thankyou for all the things, past and present, that have brought me to this moment, and all that will follow.

Adesso che sei dovunque sei

I've been waiting what seems like a lifetime. Sometimes the entire institution makes me want to pull my hair out! I sent "J" the letter a few months back, along with all of my identifying information. I did all the work that needed to be done and so the wait begun! Now of course, months later, I'm finally starting to get fed up.

I want to meet her- she want's to meet me? I'm a little confused by what she wants at this point- as I must admit the secrecy surrounding this whole deal is making me nutty. We're both consenting adults... and I wish this was easier and faster. That's the bottom line, I guess. Just faster.

I'm stalking the mailman and constantly manning my cellphone and house phone. I doubt she'll contact me by email but I even check THAT constantly....

Come on time..let's go a little faster..