So, Suz's post "Fourteen" got me thinking about facebook and how it relates to adoption relationships. Her mother acnkowledged her placed daughter as one of her grandchildren on facebook. Which to people who are not involved in adoption might sound common and not at all noteworthy. But in the world of adoption it's a pretty big deal.Which got me thinking : would I want my birthparents to acknowledge me as their daughter publicly? Would I want my siblings to acknowledge me as their sister, my grandparents as their granddaughter? The answer is without a doubt: yes. And I guess that's not hard to understand. It's a pretty symbolic gesture to me. It would mean, finally, that my natural family acknowledges me as a member of their family, at least to some extent. Publicly. No more shame, no more secrets. For all practical and legal purposes, they "unmade me" their daughter. And it would be nice, after all these years, to feel less like the outsider that I am.
Which leads me to my next question: Would I list my biological siblings as my brothers and sisters? The answer is yes. And at least with one of them, I do. This particular sister was adopted as well...so she (like me) lists her adoptive siblings, and then we listed eachother! It felt nice. I can't describe the feeling when she requested to list me as her sister. I think I even cried a little bit.
And here's were it gets sticky.....
Would I list my natural mother and father as my parents? No. Never in a million years. I realize that this makes me a HUGE hypocrite. But even the thought of listing them as my parents on facebook gives me the heeby jeebies. It just feels so fake. And before anyone asks me :My adoptive parents are NOT on facebook. But my cousins, aunts, and uncles are- and I am sure they would notice. And I'm sure they would tell my parents.
But that isn't my main concern. I can silence my family when they grumble about my reunion, and I could effectively tell them to mind their own business if they ever challenged me about this. That isn't the issue.
I guess it comes down to this for me: my parents gave up their rights as my parents. Which is all milk and cookies, I guess. I can accept that (though it's not easy). What I cannot except is the notion that I, somehow, am expected to renounce my original identity and heritage because *they* didn't want to raise me. I maintain that I will always be their daughter. Though they tried, they couldn't change that. But I have a hard time calling them my parents. I have a special place in my life for them... but it isn't quite that role.
The simple, honest, and utopian thing to do would be to list ALL 4 of my parents as my parents. In real life, and on the internet. But then again, the simple honest and utopian thing would have been for my parents to kick their 25-year-old-asses in gear and raise their daughter. We can't always have what we want.
As of now, no one in my biological family (except that one sister who was also adopted) has listed me as their daughter, their granddaughter, their sister, or their cousin. Not even my full sister who I've known for years (she does list her stepsister). I wonder if they feel the same twinges of guilt when they don't acknowledge me. I wonder if I would have a change of heart if they listed me? Maybe one I'll find out. Maybe one day they will publicly reclaim me as their kin- the daughter, sister, and grandchild who went away but who came back. I think probably not.
