I'm not supposed to know this. But, as always, someone tells me everything.
Mandy, her oldest, is 24? I'm 17..Ellen's 14. William and Sharon have got to be 9 and 10 by now. Christian is going to turn 16 soon.
How do I feel about this?
That poor kid. That poor little baby. Destined to be like us.
There will be yet another child on this earth who can't comprehend why his mother didn't want him.
Why she chose booze and crack over her children.
Yet another one who will know her only for a few days.
My sister, Ellen, is not handling this very well.
" GOD I FUCKING HATE HER!" She screams " I WISH SHE WOULD DROP DEAD. I WISH SHE WOULD DIE!"
We told her never to wish death on someone, because if that person DOES die(by some extraordinary twist of irony) , you'll feel like shit. Shes inconsolable. She feels abandoned, neglected, and fiercely angry that another one of us will come into existence. Just a notch on our mothers maternity belt. Just someone else she can love, and then leave.
She's an idiot. I know this about her, and yet I can't help getting emotionally involved with all of this. I just don't understand how my mother can bear it. How can she do this, and still go on with her everyday life? I surely couldn't. God. I can't even imagine how much that would hurt me.
This whole situation saddens me more than I'll ever be able to express to anyone.
I want to meet this kid, just as I want to meet all of the other ones born after me who I never got a chance to see. I want to tell him that it's okay. Someone else is here for you. Someone else knows what its like. Don't worry, we aren't going to leave you too.
I'll never have the chance to say any of that, though.
He ( or I suppose she!) will be better off without her. Just as well all are.
Just as I know I am.
Sometimes "better off" is so sad, isn't it?
Goodnight my angel, now it's time to dream, and dream how wonderful your life will be.
