I can recall and relive any given moment of that evening. I remember being nervous. Making mindless smalltalk with the person sitting next to me.
" Don't worry" he said " You'll be able to handle it"
Sure. Great.
I remember staring out the window, watching the sparse trees go by just a little bit too fast. He's a bit of a speeder, that one. You called his cell phone.
"Where are you?"you ask.
"Two minutes away ", we said. "We're turning into the apartment complex right now."
I remember how my heart raced as my confidence wavered. Maybe this was a bad idea. I bet I could stay here in the truck, and tell everyone it's all a big mistake.
"I'm not ready! I'm not ready! I can't do it! Don't make me! "
My brain is screaming.But outwardly, I'm silent. I could just turn and run, everyone would understand.
Instead, I get out of the car.
I can't believe I'm actually doing this. How many years has it been? And now, to resurface it all. It seems insane. And yet, I keep walking. I figure I have another 2 or 3 minutes until we locate which apartment is yours. 2-3 more minutes to prepare myself.
No such luck. I avert my gaze from the ground, and there you are, walking hurridly towards us. At least, I think it's you. You say something, and all of a sudden, recognition slides across my face. At this moment, I can't remember exactly what you said to me, as you rushed over for the longest hug I've ever experienced in my life. Emotion sometimes dulls all of the other senses, I think. But I suppose it doesn't matter anyway.
After the neverending hug, we are ushered into the front door. Mandy is there. So are Jayden, Nolan and RJ. Nanna Knisley as well.
Nana rushes in for the kill. Another hug. Thankfully not as long as the last one.
We awkwardly sit on the couch. Dave sits in between us. I relax, thankful for the buffer.
Nana speaks first.
" You know, I used to call you snow baby. Your skin and hair were so white. You got all the German in us. I bet you burn easily"
I do.
I nibble on generic brand mint cream oreos. We talk about apartment prices, childhood antics, and school. Anything to avoid whats actually important.
There's an elephant in the room. He's big, and angry. Just waiting to surface.
And suddenly, he does.
I hear whimpering from a few seats over.
Dave whispers to you. You nod, and tuck your hair behind your ear. Dave gets up, and you inch closer and closer to me. I stare at my feet. You falter, but only for a moment, as you start to stroke my hair.
I can't take it anymore.
Dave comes back from the kitchen, drink in hand, and notices his seat has been taken over. He sits on the far end of the couch.
You smile and me, or at least I bet you do. I still refuse to make eye contact.
" We're all here, sweetheart. A family."
I feel a lump in my throat, one that is roughly the size of the previously mentioned elephant. You tell me about your hair. It was longer once, but lately you just don't have the time to take care of such lengthy strands. You cut it a few months back, but you miss it, and plan to re-grow.
Half of me wants to run out the door,and never come back. The other half wants to dive into your arms, and never let go.
It's time to leave, Dave says. We have to meet some people for dinner. You rush into the bedroom, and bring out a little box. It's contents? A little stuffed pillow. Covered in blue satin, with butterflies. It smells like lavender. Or something. i think it's the kind you put in with your underpants, to make them smell nice.
I thank you, give brief hugs, and I start to leave. I turn back only once.
You look different than I remember. You look, older. Slightly pudgy. You're hair is still auburn, and you have enough freckles to mimic the constellations. You're wearing a black shirt, and dark blue jeans. Black isn't flattering to such a light skin tone. Someone should tell you. But, that someone isn't me.
You hug me one last time.
" My baby" you say. Barely an audible whisper. For a second, I embrace this. I buy into it. It's comforting, this bond we are supposed to have. I want to stay with you longer. Listen to you talk. Listen to your stories,your dreams, your life. I want to understand all of this shit. I want to hear it from you! Tell me ! Please, please give me some sort of peace!
As always, you don't deliver.
We ride to the restaraunt in silence. I am overwhelmed. Disenchanted with your reality. Heavy with despondency.
" How are you?" Dave asks
Fine.
I open the card that came with my gift.
" Happy belated birthday. Love, Mommy"
The letters seem to dance across the page. As if to gain my attention, if only for a moment.
I shoved it back into the envelope.
