The Burden of Perspective

I’ve been told recently about a serious flaw in my personality.

It’s not something most people would consider a flaw, of course. But since I am the queen of self- critical (at least today) I’ve decided to count this little quirk a defect in my character.

This shortcoming, measured by most as mere sociability, is the remarkable ability to be kind to nearly everyone. And I don’t mean just cordial, how-do-you-do-I-like-your-shirt genial. I mean, full on by-the –end- of –the- day- you –think- I –am- your- best- friend-genial.

Let us explore.

When I meet someone( who I don’t find objectionable..which is pretty much everyone) I rush in with full on “Amanda”. I leave nothing out. I give every aspect of my personality. My speech my music my trust my confidence my inner workings and my cheerfulness I am just as nice to them as I would be to say, my best friend. Or my dog. Or anyone else who is important to me and who deserves my affection. I am trusting, and kind, and enthusiastic. I have this ability to make people happy, and to make it seem like I really like them. And I do. This is not falseness we are talking about here. I’m genuine when I say that I like nearly everybody, and I do my best to express my fondness by being warm.

But here, my dear friends, is where the quandary arises.

I do not enter a relationship with caution. I am not a fly on the wall, looking good and hard at the situation before putting myself into it. I do not observe, or evaluate or inquire. The only thing that will make me “step back” a little,(less friendly less trusting less open) is a slight on the other persons behalf. I am wholehearted and passionate and unquestioning until someone gives me a reason not to be. Thus opening myself to inevitable disillusionment.

I give everyone everything I’ve got. I jump head first into friendships and relationships, hoping only for something equally as warm and inviting waiting for me on the other side. Sometimes, however, people don’t respond in quite the way I expected, and I smack onto marble. Or concrete. Or some other chilly, hard substance. They do not respond with the same level of loyalty, or correspond with my expectations. They take my kindness for granted; mistake my gentleness for naivety, or worse, weakness. I become unacknowledged, as everyone is so confidant that I will remain by their side, regardless of how I am treated. And because I didn’t look both ways before I jumped into this swimming pool of closeness , I am left laying at the bottom; skull cracked, brains and plasma seeping out through every broken bone.

Vietato agli animali

I am caught in a strange web between extreme happiness and extreme despondency. I've been tangled so long, and no solution has come up, that I find I am tired from the struggle.

I am living here, basically on my own. I function here in a way that I have never had to function before. I am beginning to miss my friends, and my family and my pillow and my bed and my dog..and all the things that have always been so ...comfortable..to me.

My brain is cloudy and my nose is stuffy and my eyes are hurting.


5 more months. An experience is an experience. Nobody said it would be a jar of roses.

I feel like that isn't quite the expression I was looking for.


I can speak Italian.