Everything is happy and perfect.
I want to sing and dance and party.
Even my dog wants to sing and dance and party.
Which gives me an idea.

I'm so...angry.

I have never felt so awful.
Frustration is taking over.
My mind is a jumbled mass of thoughts that I don't know how to express.

I just want things to change.

I want so desperately for this to all go away. I wish they didn't exist. I wish I was born into what I know now, without the insanity that is my genetic makeup.

I want to be near them. I want a relationship. I want to maintain it, because I think it's important. I try to find affection for everyone in my life, and acknowledge what each of them has brought into it. At the same time, however, I feel as if I'll never be able to get on with my life. I'll never be able to progress, without digressing twice as much.

One step forward, two steps back.

They inhibit me. They confuse me. They tug at my very prominent heartstrings.

I am nothing to them. Just one of the many "well handled" situations.


You feel abandoned? You stupid little shit.

I wish I could show you.

Can you be happy where you are?

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.

For some time, I have wondered how in the world I got to this place. It's easy to fall deep into thought when it's so silent.

The air has that summer mugginess, and were in that sort of..pre-dusk twilight. That's my favorite time of the evening; when the light is most comfortable on the eyes.

I went outside briefly; I wish I was in any mood to stay out longer. I walked out to the garage to get a bottle of water, and I saw the garage door was open. I stepped out onto the driveway for a moment. I was surprised to feel cold air, because the thermometer said 79 degrees. Because I feel like death, I assume my body must also take on death-like qualities, and become numb and frigid.

Not true. I've maintained a steady low grade temperature.

I feel..despondent. But it's a peaceful sort of sadness. Not the violent, weighty, pulling, heavy kind. I've felt that. It feels like something is grabbing your ribs, and pulling as hard as it can, bringing you to your knees.

No, it's definitely not that. But rather, a quiet, almost serene sort of feeling. Almost like sleepiness. I feel as if I will wake up tomorrow, and find that everything is the same.

Unfortunately, that rarely happens. I hate doing that ;waking up from a blissful sleep, only to slowly have everything seep back into your brain like poison.

We bought a new rug for the living room. It feels foreign under my feet.

In the silence,
all your secrets, will
raise their worried heads.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there living
In the deep.

we do not belong together

I am perpetually exhausted.

No matter how many naps I take, how much sleep I get, or how many red bulls I drink... I can hardly keep my eyes open. It's the constant chatter that I find most tiring. I'm exhausted of everyone telling me the same things. The same generic, stale phrases. Such as ( and I quote..)

" Everything is better in the end!"
" But, look at all you have now! That's what matters"
"College is important"
"Going abroad is important. You'll gain the edge"
" I'm sorry"
"I hate to be the devils advocate, but.."

My parents are driving me crazy. They want me to study and fix myself. Figuratively and literally.
My friends are disappointed in me. But let's face it, I'm a little disheartening.
My cat keeps knocking over things. They make an expensive noise as they break.

My dog is digging at my foot with his, desperately trying to get my attention. He wants me to fulfill his doggy needs.

I don't want to fulfill any one's needs anymore.