He takes a dying man in his arms
and tells him;
"How deeply flows the river
that takes the old man and his friends this evening.
It is a river of dusk, and lamentation.
"Flow" Walt says "Dear river, I will carry this young man to your banks.
I'll put him myself in one of your strong, flat boats.
And we'll sail together all the way through evening"


I want to change my life, but I don't know how to do it .

I'm not even sure what the real problem is... though I'm fairly confident there is one.

Nothings really going wrong. So it surprises me that I'm feeling this way.

I'll be spending the fourth of July at my grandparents house in NYC with all of my cousins and uncles and aunts and what not. I always enjoy the time we have together. They are a large group of insane individuals. I remember one time, we had Leah Augstroze come over to my grandparents house(we had a trip to Manhattan planned) and she met all of them. She was quiet ( though she often is) and they wondered why. Did she not like them? Did they do something? I told them she was shy sometimes. They laughed, and one of my aunts said to me:

"We're not really a good family for kids who are shy , are we?"

Nope, we aren't. We're New-Yawkahs. Dear god, we really are aren't we? My mothers Brooklyn accent would have Fran Drescher running for the hills.


I'm tired of having these complications in my life.
It's not that I'm confused about where I belong. That much is obvious. I never feel so wanted and accepted and loved as I do when I am with my family. Especially my extended family.


Why then, do I feel as if something is missing? Why do I feel so goddamn inferior to everyone else? Why is my brain addled with confusion and unrest?

I find myself becoming severely jealous of those who are in more... traditional familial settings.

Was that wordy enough for you?

Yeah that's right. I'm jealous of people whose lives are less emotionally complicated in this aspect. People who have ONE family. Instead of the two I seem to be plagued with.

Is it wrong to feel this way? Is it immature?

Am I making as mistake by writing this for all to see?

I become so envious when I see people with their mothers. Not so much fathers, for some reason. I suppose it's because I'm a female, and it seems so important to me to have my mother around sometimes. She isn't around. Nor logically would I want her to be. Logically, I know that she is incapable of giving me what I want. She is not emotionally stable enough to provide me with the closure and explanations that I need. I know all the answers, I just need to hear it from her. I know she'd try, and I know she'd want to do the right thing for me.


The road to hell is paved with good intentions.