Theres been a lot of talk in the adoption blog world lately about rejection. Natural fathers and mothers rejecting adoptees, and adoptees rejecting natural mothers and fathers. Many of these bloggers urge mothers to accept their relinquished children, and they say the same thing to adoptees. "What could it hurt", they argue, "to just let the other party know how you are doing?"
While I haven't been rejected by either of my biological parents- I have experienced rejection from other natural family members. And it hurts. How couldn't it? Knowing that the people who would have loved you had you not been placed don't even want to know you is a pretty hard pill to swallow. But then again, so is being placed for adoption in the first place.
Many bloggers cite the moral responsibility that the natural parent and child have to one another. And I agree...but only for half of that equation. I believe that natural parents are morally obligated to give at least basal information to the child they relinquished. Not just medical information- but information surrounding the conception and placement of the child. Deciding to bring a child into this world, whether or not you raise them, assigns one a certain ethical obligation. I don't think that "giving life" is enough. Every human being, regardless of whether or not their parents decided to raise them, deserve to know the rudimentary facts about their past and their existence. Mothers who, for whatever reason, don't believe they have an obligation to their relinquished children are (in my book) sadly mistaken.
I do not believe, however, that adoptees share that same obligation. And as unpopular an idea as that may be, I stand by it. And my reasoning is fairly simple. As an adoptee, I resent any implication that I "owe" any parent in my life anything. I don't owe my adoptive parents any sort of gratitude or loyalty because they "took me in". I think everybody would agree with that. I respect and honor and am grateful to my adoptive parents... because I want to be. Because they have earned it. I also love and respect and am grateful to my first parents. I *WANTED* to meet them. And 1o years into reunion, they are an important and irreplaceable part of my life.
But what about the adoptees who DON'T want to reunite? Who have NO desire to know their biological parents? Are they obligated to communicate, even if they don't want to? The answer is no. While giving life to a child requires some sort of ethical obligation from the parent, I do not believe that said child has any responsibility. I don't believe that ANY adoptee is morally or ethically responsible for making a first parent "feel better" or "be at peace." Want some sort of guarantee that the child you bore will one day want to know you? Don't place them for adoption. Adoptees, often from day one, are required to incorporate themselves into a family that is not their own. We adoptees, part of a strange and unnatural minority, are thrust into the world of being adopted before we have the words to explain what has happened to us. Sometimes being adopted is a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing. But its ALWAYS a thing that we did not choose.
Before everybody gets all up in arms telling me that "nobody chooses their parents" or "some first parents had no choice"- stop. I am not saying that PLACING a child for adoption creates this obligation to the child. I am saying that GIVING BIRTH to a child creates this obligation. Whether or not the adoption was a real "choice" is irrelevant. It changes precious little for the child who has been placed. I don't think adoptees owe their first parents anything. Not a letter, not a phone call, and certainly not a relationship. Why should we? We have already payed the ultimate price for our relatives decisions. If an adoptee has no desire..why on earth should they feel obligated? Because the first parent feels bad? Because they want some peace? Because they are curious? Because they are hurting?
Sorry folks- just as reunification cannot be used as a bandage for an adoptee, neither should it be used as one for a first parent. Peace does not lie in the other person, but within ourselves. I believe that an adoptee who is searching has an indisputable right to information from their natural parent(s). I believe we are owed an explanation. Not a relationship, but at the very least an explanation. The decisions of the adults in our lives have radically altered our existence. When we were adopted.. we were given a new name, a new identity, a new family, a new life. We were given all of those things because our relinquishment took them away from us. Our name, our identity, our family- lost. At least gone for us. Forever. No reunion can change that.
"Why the double standard?" people ask. It doesn't seem fair, does it? Well, its not fair. It certainly isn't. Many first parents are fond of reminding us that we don't owe our adoptive parents loyalty..that we should not make the decision not to not reunite to save their feelings. But can't the same be said about natural parents? We shouldn't reunite just to satisfy their feelings. Just as I owe my adoptive parents nothing for adopting me, I owe my first parents nothing for giving me up. In a perfect world, both parties would like to reunite. I would encourage all adoptees to reach out to their natural families. It can be a very rewarding and healing experience. I know some first mothers who are fantastic, loving, intelligent women, whose children don't want to know them. And those adoptees are missing out big time. Although I cannot approve of their decisions to alienate their first mothers.. nor can I condemn them.
Nobody is born a first-parent. For the people who have relinquished children, there is always a chapter before adoption entered their lives. They have perspective, they can look back on a time when they were not a part of the "triad." Adoptees, at least those of us placed as infants, have no such place of recollection. We were never given a chance to "avoid" being an adoptee (it's certainly something I would have avoided, had I been consulted). And on that merit alone, I believe we owe nothing.
I am in a successful reunion. I have spent years of my life trying to juggle having two families..trying to make them coexist within my life harmoniously. It's not easy, but for me it's worth it. For some adoptees, it simply isn't worth the trouble. Some adoptees have no interest, some adoptees cannot face that part of their lives. For some adoptees, its easier not knowing. And I think that's our right.
