I haven't been able to sleep. And it took me 4 tries to spell the word " haven't"

Where does this leave me now?

I haven't worked this hard only to have everything ruined at the last second.

I tell myself to be calm, and reasonable. Nothing is sure. Nothing is final. In fact, it's a long shot anyway. Why are you getting so worked up Amanda, why are you getting so worked up?

I don't want to go back to LVPA. I've settled into the idea of getting on with my life. I am ready for the next level. But apparently, the next level isn't ready for me. Because here I am.


I can't imagine being back there. I don't want to be stuck for nearly 8 hours a day with people I don't give a shit about.

School has changed. Everyone has graduated.

It has nothing to offer me( save a few cherished individuals)

I don't want to go back there. I want to get on a flight to Zürich on September 5th,2007, and fly my ass to Switzerland with all the other people. I want to land in Rome a few days later, and never look back! I want to DO something with myself! Make something of myself! Prove I am better than my beginnings!

Prove that, for once, someone from my bloodline is going to go the RIGHT way. Do the RIGHT thing. Be someone.

I want so desperately for everything to just continue how it was going.

I've been so worried that A.F.S would screw up my application. Or my parents would somehow go broke and I wouldn't have the money to go. Or my visa wouldn't get processed in time.


Never did I think that I would be the one to sacrifice everything.

And for what?

Nothing.

pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. gahhh please! no no no no no no no.


breathe.




i hate waiting.