Responsibility.

I am a firm believer in the notion that everyone in the world of adoption is obliged to accept their responsibility.  In these days, relinquishment and adoption do not happen magically- they involve at least two calculated decisions.

As an adoptee, I accept my obligation to be understanding, compassionate, and open. I foster relationships with members of my adoptive family, and I do the same for members of my natural family. I accept any sibling who wants to know me, I  maintain and nourish the relationships I have with my natural mother and father. I make mother and father’s day cards, I make calls on all holidays. I send congratulations for new babies, weddings, and birthdays. 

There are very few things that would cause me to cease contact with my natural parents. If they had no respect for my adoptive family, I would have to seriously reconsider our relationship. They don’t have to be friends- they don’t even have to talk to one another. And it goes both ways. I  don’t expect my parents to be HAPPY about my relationship with my biological family. But I do expect them to be supportive of me, and I expect them to accept it gracefully (as they have). 

One thing is for sure though- if my natural parents did not take responsibility for their actions, it would not be able to have a relationship with them. And the reasoning is simple- they made a life altering and objectively damaging decision on my behalf. Without my consent or knowledge or approval. All parents make decisions like that for their children. The only difference is that my parents actually made a decision to NOT be my parents. 

They robbed me of my name, my heritage, and the security of growing up with my own clan. They chose to give me to another family- and in doing so stripped me if my most core identity, of my right to grow up within my own family. They destroyed the most important relationships in my young life- the one that I was supposed to have with them. They ensured that my siblings and I would grow up apart. They robbed my siblings of their sister, their parents of a grandchild. 

They did all of these things for a few simple reasons.  They did not feel they had sufficient money to raise me in the custom to which they had been raised. My paternal family hated my natural mother. And my father did not want to be a parent at that time. He was 27 and my mother was 25. 

Over the course of our reunion, they have explained  their reasoning to me. They have expressed regret. They have expressed sadness, and they have asked my forgiveness. But never, not once, did they tell me that it wasn’t their fault. They take full responsibility for the decision they made over 2 decades ago. And I’m glad they do.

Babies don’t give up themselves. In this day  & age, when single parenting is on the rise, children out of wedlock are no longer seen as the scum of the earth, and parenting classes and aid are so readily available- I find it hard to understand that women are placing children. Capable, sane, normal, kind women are giving their babies up left and right. And I find it pretty sick. I’m sure they have their reasons- and I can only hope that they don’t sound hollow 20 years from now when their children want to know why they were given away.

I hear a lot of women who placed recently talking about familial pressures, societal stigmas, and unsupportive partners. Everyone is keen to blame the big bad adoption industry.... as if they were tricking every woman who experiences and unexpected pregnancy. But the reality is this : most women keep their babies. Poor, dumb, smart, white, black, rich, young , old - the adjectives don’t matter. The percentage of women who place is VERY small.

So, how can people continue to blame the adoptive parents or the adoption industry for THEIR decisions? If the industry permeated nearly as much as some natural parents claim, everyone would be giving up their babies. But that simply isn’t true. Are women who place less resilient, more impressional than their counterparts who keep their babies? Are they simply gullible, giving into the industry while their more sly sisters hold on to their offspring? I don’t think any of that is true.  But that is what some natural parents are trying to make me believe. They are victims, they claim. And maybe that’s so. I believe that natural parents are the victims of the most insidious idea: that they are unworthy of raising their own children.

But I accept the victim role only until a certain point. Something like 98% of pregnant women keep their babies. Even very young woman. It’s what comes naturally to us, it’s what we are SUPPOSED to do. The fact that the small percentage of women who give up their babies then go on to say that somebody else made them do it just infuriates me. We are no longer in the BSE. Things have changed, and are changing. Keeping your baby is easier  and more socially acceptable than ever. 

I don’t think its easy to take responsibility for an unpopular decision. Because face it, after the adoption is finalized, natural mothers are no longer the “saints” they were before relinquishment. Most people cringe at the idea of giving away their child. Most people cannot imagine it, even in the most desperate of circumstances. It cant be easy to have done the unimaginable. It’s easy to blame other people, or other entities. 

But one fact remains- had my parents not given me up, I would not have been adopted. Its really quite simple.  For every choice there is a consequence.  I pity the adoptees my age who  have parents who simply will not take responsibility.

Adoption has taken so much from me. And I’ll be damned if the people who chose it for me aren’t going to admit it.  I wonder how the children born in the 90’s think..and the children born in the 2000’s. I hope that all modern day parents have some damn good reasons. Otherwise they are going to have a difficult time explaining to their children why they were cast away. It's so unnatural to be given away. And if the reasons are hallow....it makes it much worse. 

Married

I found out I had a sister when I was 11 years old. My excitement to meet and know my natural parents flew out the window when I heard about her...I was so excited to be a BIG sister! We wrote letters to each other- colorful little notes designed with flowers and puppies and stars. We would profess our never-ending love for one another. We were Sisters- separated by circumstance, but reunited by destiny. We took trips to visit each other- visiting the highest floors of the tallest skyscrapers in NYC, riding horses in the golden fields of Texas.

And then one day, it stopped. She hit puberty, decided she didn't want anything to do with me, the little intruder into her family, and she convinced 99% of the family to exile me with her. Only our father and his wife, steadfast, continued to talk to me in secret. The last time I saw them was on one of my birthdays, 5 years ago.

Nicole is my full sibling. I loved her once. I am her only full sibling. She doesn't talk to any of our half siblings. I talk to all of them. And yet, knowing all of them is not enough for me. I want so desperately to  be friends with Nicole. We have our issues, yes. I am jealous of her, yes. But I was always willing to put them ALL aside if it meant that we could build our relationship. She's never really been interested.  We had a year or so of good, solid communication. She cut me off about a month ago when I started talking with our maternal family- a  part of her family she doesn't like. She sees me as a threat.

I heard news today that Nicole is getting married. I saw the engagement announcement on facebook today.  Her ring is beautiful.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will not be invited. Her bridesmaids will be her friends and her step sister.

My natural father got married two years ago. I was not invited to that either. He wanted to invite me, he said, but he couldn't because it would  create a stir within his family- mostly with his mother Thank you adoption, for making sure that I was not there to see my own fathers wedding. Thank you adoption for making damn sure that I will not be invited, let alone be a part of, my only full sisters wedding.

Nicole- I remember when you were small. I remember when we BOTH were small. Time passes- it is one thing that we can be sure of. I wish I could congratulate you, I wish I could see you. Your ring is beautiful, and I know you'll be beautiful too. I wish you, as I always have, all the happiness in the world.

Kept children just matter more.

Ain't it the truth?


How many times have I heard from my natural family :

"We can't do that with you because it would hurt Nicole (my younger sister, born and kept 2 years later)."

My own maternal grandmother refuses to have anything to do with me. Why? Because she says her loyalties will always be to Nicole.

"Amanda has her own family. Nicole only has us. We need to be loyal to her, she needs to know that she is  our only grandbaby".

"I'm sorry Amanda but we have to cancel our visit. I know you bought the tickets and have waited for weeks..but it's not a good idea. Nicole is mad and doesn't want you to visit. We can't rock the boat".


My grandparents and aunts keep all the letters I send them, but hide them when they know that Nicole will be visiting.


"We love you just as much as we love Nicole...it's just different".

Yeah. I gathered.

I don't really expect anything different. After all, she has a history with them that spans 20 years and I simply do not. I've only been around for the last 11 years....and only for a few weeks a year. I don't doubt my natural parents' love for me- I know it's there. They've told me and they've demonstrated it to me. But I do resent the constant proclamations of equal love for me and my sister. That is something they have said a million times...but I never expect to see the proof. Nicole is their baby. I was the baby that nobody wanted.

On some level, my grandmother is right. I DO have my own family- my adoptive family, extended and otherwise, adore me. I am the cherished granddaughter, the fun aunt, the loving daughter and sister who makes them proud.Why isn't that enough?

Nicole only has one family. But she has HER family. And I suppose that makes all the difference. She grew up in the knowledge that she was loved, that she was wanted. I grew up knowing that I was wanted by one family only because I was unwanted by another. For whatever difficulties Nicole has had in her life (and trust me, there are a lot of them) in the end, she has a base that I don't. I have had, arguably, I better  life than she has. I have had an emotional stability that she has never known, I have college educated parents who paid my way through college, I have lived (and currently live) abroad. I have two mother languages (I have one American parent and one European parent). I have a good life, with a family who loves me.

But that isn't enough. All the college and Italian and love in the world will not make up for the loss of my family. No amount of pride or self esteem will ever relieve me of my original inadequacy.


I hate Nicole for being kept. I hate her even more for KNOWING it. For LOVING it. And for hypothetically marking her territory every time I came to visit. I am jealous that my father loves her, that he raised her as a single father while he forced my mother to give me away 2 years prior.

He loves me now, he wants me now. He tells everyone that he would take me back in a heartbeat, that I could live with him at any time... all I have to do is ask.

But Nicole never had to ask.

As the given away child, I am already acutely aware of the fact that my parents chose to give me away. Having a sibling, a fairly evil sibling, who was kept 2 years later just... makes it worse.

I understand that she is special to them in a way that I could never be. But wasn't that their own doing?  had they kept me, I would have been loved, I would have been cherished. Nicole is proof of that. I lived a large portion of life being grateful for having been adopted, for having been given the chance to be loved. But I could have been loved, I could have been happy with my natural family.

Nicole is happy. She just matters more. She always has. When the going gets tough, my family will ALWAYS side with her. Her protection and sense of self worth and happiness will always trump mine. She must be made to feel special, even at my expense. And I guess that's what makes it hard for me to love her. 

Who is the enemy?

Me, at a few weeks old. Right after I was relinquished by my mother.

http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2011/05/is-scott-simon-angry-with-us.html#more

I read this link on the first mother forum...and I can’t fully agree. I agree that Scott Simon is a tad deluded. But I don’t think he’s evil, and I certainly think he is significantly more “aware” than most adoptive parents. The fact that he wrote a book and bothered to write a letter to the FMF is already a step in the right direction.... how many adoptive parents live blissfully unaware of the issues surrounding adoption, convinced that their adopted child will never turn out  like we “nutballs” who write against it? Every single adoptive parent I know in real life. Including my own. 

Which brings me to the point of my post. I am disgusted by the villinization of adoptive parents. I’m sick of it and I think its bullshit. 

I do not think adopting a child is wrong.Wanting to raise a child is not a crime people. There is nothing morally wrong in having resources and wanting to raise a child. Adoptive parents don’t “have” babies like their non-adoptive counterparts. They raise children. And the desire to do so does not make them morally corrupt or evil. 

The majority of the population, especially in the United States, believes that adoption is an altruistic and loving act. We, as an adoptive community, will never ever ever ever EVER be able to convince the WORLD that the adoption of a child is wrong. 

But you know what I DO find wrong? Giving up a child for adoption. That, my dears, is a travesty. I’m talking about the year 2011. With modern day medical procedures, cultural acceptance of single parenting,  various aid programs offered by the state and federal governments...what reason could POSSIBLY exist for a woman to give up her own child? How do we justify that? How can we say that it is a good thing?

Youth, the desire to finish school and join the work force, unsupportive partners and disapproval from family members are all good reasons NOT to have a baby. But none of them are good reasons to have a baby and give it away.

I’m not stupid. Adoption will always continue. There will always be women who think it is the right choice. And there will always be couples who are ready to adopt that baby.

But we are focusing on the wrong targets. Why villinize adoptive parents ? In order for them to adopt a baby, someone has to give one up. If there are fewer babies available for adoption, fewer people will be able to adopt. It’s simple math. To achieve change, we need to go to the heart of the matter....  the mothers who are thinking of placing. We can give them a truth that their agencies will never tell them.  We can tell them our stories, give them the wisdom of our experiences, warn them against something we do not feel is right. If THEY listen, then we have won another battle. But fighting with adoptive parents who have already adopted or are considering it? Please. WAKE UP PEOPLE!  There will always be couples that, for whatever reason, will want to adopt and raise a child. If we tell them they are wrong, they will laugh at us. And they will adopt anyway. 

The person who is MOST concerned with the welfare of the child who might be placed for adoption is their mother. If we can convince her that adoption is not a good idea, that it hurts all involved, that her child might NOT thank her for her “selflessness”. I love my natural parents... I do. But I will never thank them for what they have done. I just don’t see a reason. They did what was best for them at the time. They had all the resources to keep a child.. in fact, they DID keep the next baby born 23 months later. 

I love my natural parents, but I do not respect them for their decision to place me. I don’t think giving up a child is any sort of act of altruism or love. It may seem like it sometimes, but at the end of the day the fact is this: there is a reason that something like 1-2% of mothers choose adoption for their infants. It goes against everything that we, as human beings, were made for. It destroys the very fabric of the most important structure in our culture- that of family.

Telling adoptive parents that they are selfish, deluded baby stealers is one of the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. And I think that those who do it are directing anger in a  place where it doesn’t belong, and I think they are fighting a battle that they will never win.

Stop mothers from giving away their babies. THAT’S the answer.

Making other people feel better-- Adoptee Job Description.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately in adoption-blog-land....and I’m a little sickened today. I haven’t had a strong visceral reaction to a post in a long time. And when I do, its usually when I jump to the defense of a fellow adoptee, or a friend. But this time, I found myself doing the criticizing. I found myself getting defensive over something that, frankly, isn’t any of my damn business.

I hate hate hate hate hate seeing the difference between kept children and placed children. Perhaps its a soft spot for me, considering I am the infamous “placed child”, whose little sister was born just 2 years after me. Under the same circumstances. 

So yeah, I’m a little bitter. My sister has spent all 11 years of our reunion making sure I understand how special she is, how loved, how wanted. Yeah bitch, I get it. Mom and Dad kept you and gave me away. I know I know I know. You were, and will always be, loved and treasured in a way that I can only dream of. Thanks for the reminder.

So perhaps that is why I got all upset today when I read a blog today where the writer addresses her kept son, telling him how loved and special he is and how he should never worry because he won’t be given away. As much as I personally enjoy this blogger and her personal story, I was so taken aback. So..angry. I was so angry for her son, the first one, who gets to live the rest of his life in an open adoption where he can see firsthand his mother’s love for her second, kept child. And then maybe he will read what she is written... and see his mother promise her younger, kept child, how he will never be left, how he will always be their beloved child.

I understand that a big reason why my parents did not want to place my sister was because of their relinquishment experience with me. My birthfather has told me on more than one occasion that when I was born, he chose his own freedom over me. But when my sister was born, he decided his freedom wasn’t worth losing another child.

And perhaps thats what the author of that post feels. She regrets placing her firstborn, and maybe it was with that regret in mind that the birth of her second child was such a miracle, such a joy. And there is nothing wrong with that. But I hurt for the placed child- I hurt for him. 

I admit that I resent my sister for being kept when I wasn’t. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my sister is a spoiled little monster. Or maybe it’s just the adoptee in me that gets tired of being reminded how special she is. How wanted she was. How her place in OUR family is forever- how she will never have to stay awake at night overanalyzing every word that they say. Because she is one of them. She belongs. There is no question, there is no doubt. She is the daughter, niece, grandchild, and cousin.  Loved and beloved, accepted into the family fold without question or difficulty. And I guess on some level, I hate for for that. 

It’s not her fault. If our birthdays had been swapped, I’D be the one in the family, and she would have been adopted out. But she doesn’t see it that way. Our parents never thought about giving her away. And she never forgets to remind me. 

I’m tired of the plight of the kept child. How everyone has to be extra careful to say just the right things, lest they think that they too will be given away. Oh please. If they were going to give you away, they would have done it when you were born. Exactly like they did to us. The parents’ constant need to assure their kept children of their love and value and importance is a direct slap into the face of the adoptee. And in my case, it created a monster- a little girl who was convinced of her own inflated self worth and specialness- who became a teenager who is convinced of the same things, who became an adult who is convinced that her innate value was what saved her from the world of adoption. And it was my lack of value that condemned me to it. 

I hope that child never sees his siblings’ story. I hope he can look past his parents’ gushing love for his kept brother and see their love for him. But I suspect, just as in my case, that he will see something else: that he was a result of an undesired pregnancy and that his brother was the result of something very different. That his parents never thought about giving away their second son. The same parents who not only THOUGHT of giving him to another family..they actually did it. 

I don’t think that couples who place children for adoption should remain childless. That’s absurd. Everyone on this earth has a right to happiness. But the overwhelming and special love for one child should NEVER be highlighted by the exile of the other. 

“We love you so much, you are ours forever and ever. We will always be your mom and dad. We will never do to you what we have done to your sister.” 

how about :

“We love you so much. You are ours forever and ever. We miss and love your brother too, forever and ever.  We are a family, all of us. We want to teach you that love can encompass distance and legalities.”

 But then again.... that’s just my opinion.  If the fact that I was placed and my sister wasn’t can make her feel better about herself... I guess that’s the price I’ve got to pay. I’ve been the sacrificial lamb for familial harmony before. It’s all good.