Me, at a few weeks old. Right after I was relinquished by my mother.
I read this link on the first mother forum...and I can’t fully agree. I agree that Scott Simon is a tad deluded. But I don’t think he’s evil, and I certainly think he is significantly more “aware” than most adoptive parents. The fact that he wrote a book and bothered to write a letter to the FMF is already a step in the right direction.... how many adoptive parents live blissfully unaware of the issues surrounding adoption, convinced that their adopted child will never turn out like we “nutballs” who write against it? Every single adoptive parent I know in real life. Including my own.
Which brings me to the point of my post. I am disgusted by the villinization of adoptive parents. I’m sick of it and I think its bullshit.
I do not think adopting a child is wrong.Wanting to raise a child is not a crime people. There is nothing morally wrong in having resources and wanting to raise a child. Adoptive parents don’t “have” babies like their non-adoptive counterparts. They raise children. And the desire to do so does not make them morally corrupt or evil.
The majority of the population, especially in the United States, believes that adoption is an altruistic and loving act. We, as an adoptive community, will never ever ever ever EVER be able to convince the WORLD that the adoption of a child is wrong.
But you know what I DO find wrong? Giving up a child for adoption. That, my dears, is a travesty. I’m talking about the year 2011. With modern day medical procedures, cultural acceptance of single parenting, various aid programs offered by the state and federal governments...what reason could POSSIBLY exist for a woman to give up her own child? How do we justify that? How can we say that it is a good thing?
Youth, the desire to finish school and join the work force, unsupportive partners and disapproval from family members are all good reasons NOT to have a baby. But none of them are good reasons to have a baby and give it away.
I’m not stupid. Adoption will always continue. There will always be women who think it is the right choice. And there will always be couples who are ready to adopt that baby.
But we are focusing on the wrong targets. Why villinize adoptive parents ? In order for them to adopt a baby, someone has to give one up. If there are fewer babies available for adoption, fewer people will be able to adopt. It’s simple math. To achieve change, we need to go to the heart of the matter.... the mothers who are thinking of placing. We can give them a truth that their agencies will never tell them. We can tell them our stories, give them the wisdom of our experiences, warn them against something we do not feel is right. If THEY listen, then we have won another battle. But fighting with adoptive parents who have already adopted or are considering it? Please. WAKE UP PEOPLE! There will always be couples that, for whatever reason, will want to adopt and raise a child. If we tell them they are wrong, they will laugh at us. And they will adopt anyway.
The person who is MOST concerned with the welfare of the child who might be placed for adoption is their mother. If we can convince her that adoption is not a good idea, that it hurts all involved, that her child might NOT thank her for her “selflessness”. I love my natural parents... I do. But I will never thank them for what they have done. I just don’t see a reason. They did what was best for them at the time. They had all the resources to keep a child.. in fact, they DID keep the next baby born 23 months later.
I love my natural parents, but I do not respect them for their decision to place me. I don’t think giving up a child is any sort of act of altruism or love. It may seem like it sometimes, but at the end of the day the fact is this: there is a reason that something like 1-2% of mothers choose adoption for their infants. It goes against everything that we, as human beings, were made for. It destroys the very fabric of the most important structure in our culture- that of family.
Telling adoptive parents that they are selfish, deluded baby stealers is one of the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. And I think that those who do it are directing anger in a place where it doesn’t belong, and I think they are fighting a battle that they will never win.
Stop mothers from giving away their babies. THAT’S the answer.
