Ain't it the truth?
How many times have I heard from my natural family :
"We can't do that with you because it would hurt Nicole (my younger sister, born and kept 2 years later)."
My own maternal grandmother refuses to have anything to do with me. Why? Because she says her loyalties will always be to Nicole.
"Amanda has her own family. Nicole only has us. We need to be loyal to her, she needs to know that she is our only grandbaby".
"I'm sorry Amanda but we have to cancel our visit. I know you bought the tickets and have waited for weeks..but it's not a good idea. Nicole is mad and doesn't want you to visit. We can't rock the boat".
My grandparents and aunts keep all the letters I send them, but hide them when they know that Nicole will be visiting.
"We love you just as much as we love Nicole...it's just different".
Yeah. I gathered.
I don't really expect anything different. After all, she has a history with them that spans 20 years and I simply do not. I've only been around for the last 11 years....and only for a few weeks a year. I don't doubt my natural parents' love for me- I know it's there. They've told me and they've demonstrated it to me. But I do resent the constant proclamations of equal love for me and my sister. That is something they have said a million times...but I never expect to see the proof. Nicole is their baby. I was the baby that nobody wanted.
On some level, my grandmother is right. I DO have my own family- my adoptive family, extended and otherwise, adore me. I am the cherished granddaughter, the fun aunt, the loving daughter and sister who makes them proud.Why isn't that enough?
Nicole only has one family. But she has HER family. And I suppose that makes all the difference. She grew up in the knowledge that she was loved, that she was wanted. I grew up knowing that I was wanted by one family only because I was unwanted by another. For whatever difficulties Nicole has had in her life (and trust me, there are a lot of them) in the end, she has a base that I don't. I have had, arguably, I better life than she has. I have had an emotional stability that she has never known, I have college educated parents who paid my way through college, I have lived (and currently live) abroad. I have two mother languages (I have one American parent and one European parent). I have a good life, with a family who loves me.
But that isn't enough. All the college and Italian and love in the world will not make up for the loss of my family. No amount of pride or self esteem will ever relieve me of my original inadequacy.
I hate Nicole for being kept. I hate her even more for KNOWING it. For LOVING it. And for hypothetically marking her territory every time I came to visit. I am jealous that my father loves her, that he raised her as a single father while he forced my mother to give me away 2 years prior.
He loves me now, he wants me now. He tells everyone that he would take me back in a heartbeat, that I could live with him at any time... all I have to do is ask.
But Nicole never had to ask.
As the given away child, I am already acutely aware of the fact that my parents chose to give me away. Having a sibling, a fairly evil sibling, who was kept 2 years later just... makes it worse.
I understand that she is special to them in a way that I could never be. But wasn't that their own doing? had they kept me, I would have been loved, I would have been cherished. Nicole is proof of that. I lived a large portion of life being grateful for having been adopted, for having been given the chance to be loved. But I could have been loved, I could have been happy with my natural family.
Nicole is happy. She just matters more. She always has. When the going gets tough, my family will ALWAYS side with her. Her protection and sense of self worth and happiness will always trump mine. She must be made to feel special, even at my expense. And I guess that's what makes it hard for me to love her.
