Kept.

Back when we didn't get along, my bio sister Nicole loved to tell me how much our parents loved her.

She was born to the same parents a little over 2 years after I was, under the same conditions. Our father was still working on launching his own business, our mother still had some problems, and they still weren't married. They were in their mid twenties when I was born, and their late 20's when Nicole was born. ikBut while my birth was a family crisis- all members fighting over how to best handle "the problem"- she was welcomed.  While my birthfather adamantly refused to raise me, he raised Nicole as a single father when our mother skipped town. 2 years later. She was kept and I wasn't. And Nicole knows it.

She grew up knowing that she had a sister, and met me for the first time when she was 9 years old.  I don't know what our parents told her about why they gave me away. I don't know how she was raised in the years before I came back. But I do know that she has always been told she was special. And she is. She is the adored granddaughter, the favorite cousin, the apple of her fathers eyes. Raised essentially without a mother, she is definitely daddy's little girl.

I wonder what it's like to be kept. I wonder what its like to have a sibling who was given up for adoption. How does that affect ones sense of self, or self esteem? How does it feel, I wonder, to know that your parents gave your brother or sister away?

I wonder what is different between Nicole and me. What made my father want to step up when he saw her, and not when he saw me? I wonder what made them keep her and not me. I've asked a few times... but I never can get a straight answer. And maybe there isn't one.

Logically I know that it has nothing to do with me or Nicole as people. I was an inconvienant baby and she wasn't- it's as simple (or as complicated) as that. Had she been born first- she'd have been placed for adoption. But I still was envious of her. I would see her with her family, with our grandparents, our father, our cousins. And she just..belongs there. She didn't have to "reunite" to know her family. She is a part of them, a cherished member of the group. She has not had an easy life. Not by a long shot. But at the end of the day- her family is there for her. At the end of the day, at least she can say that.

I've reunited. I didn't even have to search ( semi open adoption). And so I am always hesitant to complain. Because, hey! I know who they are, I know where I came from, I've seen them in person and I've spent lots of time with them. And a lot of adoptees can't even say that. They allowed me back into their family...at least partially. And I should be grateful.

But I'm kind of not. It's like being invited to someones house and then getting left out on the porch. I'm there, of course, looking in the window. And it feels good to be able to observe, to be able to see what their lives are like. But at the end of the day, there is still that piece of glass separating us. There is always that window.

Nicole and I get along pretty well now. She hated me for a long time. She was not ready to share her family or her dad. Only now is she realizing that I can never take her place. Not even if I wanted to. But now she's older, I'm older. And slowly, we are creating a sort of fragile co-existence. But even now, I am wary. I always remember the times she told me how happy she was that HER dad kept her, that he loved her more, that she was special and that I wasn't- thats why they gave me away. On some level, I guess I still believe her.

Victims and Villains

I don't often mention my adoptive parents on this blog. Mostly because this blog is my personal exploration of my life before my adoption (however brief) and the affects that having been PLACED for adoption have had on me.

Note that I did NOT say "the affects that being adopted have had on me." Because that is something completely different.

 I see  a lot of vilinization of adoption parents in the blog sphere. A lot. Mostly (but not exclusively) from natural parents. Obviously I recognize that writing an entire post about how awesome my adoptive parents are and how they don't comform to the typical stereotypes would only validate what the naysayers are writing- that I'm just another silly little adoptee who is stuck in the cycle  of loyalty and adopter worship. That I only love my adoptive parents because they've tricked me into doing so, that if I were really educated about adoption ethics, I would realize that "those people" are not my parents and even though they raised me from babyhood, they are nothing more than long time babysitters who I happen to care about.

And (my favorite claim yet) that my adoptive parents are directly responsible for my having been placed out of my natural family, and that they "took me" from my family of origin and should be ashamed.

Here are a few (slightly depressing) facts:

1- My mother and father would have placed me for adoption nomatter what. The people who adopted me were NOT matched with my bio parents from the beginning. In fact, my mother had chosen a completely different couple. They were from New Jersey. The had an on going relationship with my mother for about 4 months, until they were offered another baby who was already born. Needless to say, they dropped my mother immediately and took the other baby. My mother was deeply hurt and offended, because she thought they wanted "her baby"... not just any baby.

2- I was a (very) white, blonde, female infant who was born at over 8 lbs and was perfectly healthy. There would never have been a shortage of people willing to adopt me. If it hadn't been my parents, it would have been the next couple in line. Who might have been better, or worse. It's a roll of the dice.

3- My birthmother changed her mind after I was born. My parents, heartbroken, went back to NY and gave up on the idea of adopting a child. A few months later, my birthmother called THEM telling them that she had changed her mind and asking if they would adopt the baby.

4-My birthmother chose to raise me for a while, and only changed her mind when my father threatened to leave her. He and his (well off, bullish) family pressured and coerced her. Its was a pretty desperate/ despicable situation, but it had nothing to do with my adoptive parents, who had left the picture weeks beforehand. Had they refused to adopt me, my mother and father would have found someone else.


The only people who could have prevented me from being placed for adoption are the people who chose to do it.. my natural parents. Had my father wanted me, they would have kept me. And had my mother been strong enough to keep me despite my fathers outright refusal, she would have. She wanted to, and she almost did. But in the end, he won.

I try and avoid placing blame when it comes to adoption. Mostly because its completely useless. However, the only two adults in the equation who hold NO blame are my adoptive parents- who simply wanted to raise another child, even though they had a bio son of their own. If it hadn't been me, maybe they would have adopted another child. I can't know for sure.

I'm not really pro adoption. I think it's too complex a situation to ever be simple and "good". There is good and bad. And I think the negative aspects of being adopted make adoption something that should be avoided at all costs. I would like to see adoption less practiced. But I don't think that trying to convince potential adoptive parents that what they are doing is the way to go.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to raise a child. There IS something wrong with feeling entitled to a baby that isn't yours, but I don't think that wanting to adopt a baby automatically means that one feels entitled. Adoption, is a system, is well received in our society. It will never be seen by the general population as a "bad thing to do". And the reality is this: for every potential adoptive parent who the rest of the adoption community scares away, there are 5 more willing to take their place. There are a lot of people willing to adopt a baby, but very few willing to give one up.

My natural parents are responsible for having given me up. Especially my father, who was the force behind my relinquishment. He knows this, and I know this. He doesn't feel much of anything towards my adoptive parents (his words). Not because they haven't treated him respectfully and welcomed him (they have). Not because they did a bad job raising me or convinced me that I belong only to them (they didn't and they haven't). But he admits that he feels territorial when it comes to me- that despite the family he chose for me and whom I was raised with, he can't help but feel that I'm "his little girl". And I think sometimes those feelings get in the way.

He and I don't agree on everything. We debate a lot of things (the way his family treats me, the way he handled things with my mother at the time of my birth, etc). He advises me, and I consider him a loving and wise man. I care about him very deeply and will discuss most anything with him. But I do not allow him to criticize my adoptive parents. Not to me.  Not because they were perfect (of course they weren't). But because he, as the man who was my father, chose to surrender me to a basically unknown future. He didn't want me, and they did. And though logically I know that things aren't that simple...emotionally I am SURE that they are.  Whether by divine providence, universal wisdom, or pure coincidence- when my parents weren't there for me, there was another couple who was.  I respect my natural father and consider him a father- all I ask in return is that he respect the fact that I am part of another family besides his own (one that he chose, no less), and that even if my family isn't real to him, it's real to me.