(Me, 7 years old. Looking a lot like the blonde version of my sister.)
And then, she disappeared. And I let her do it. She saw via facebook that I had been connecting with various members of our mother's family- our cousins, aunts, grandmother. Nicole hates our mother with a passion that is sort of frightening. She saw that I was communicating with them, and she deleted me from facebook. She sent me a message, explaining her actions.
"I do not want to communicate with you anymore", she wrote. "I don't want anything to do with our mother or her family- and I refuse to have anything to do with you if you insist on talking to them. They will burn you as t hey have burned me. And don't come asking me for help- because I will be the first one to tell you " I told you so." I'm not trying to be a bitch, but we can't talk anymore. Good luck...you can't help the helpless."
I could feel the hurt swelling in my chest. I ran into the kitchen to find my friend and housemate, Debora. We smoked a cigarette and I explained to her (in Italian) what had happened. She sat quietly on the kitchen table, blowing smoke rings into the air. She told me "Amanda, you do not need her. You are a better person. What has your sister EVER done to deserve your loyalty? She has hurt you for years. I know you've been burned by your mother too...I but think you believe in second chances. Everyone, even your mother and her family, deserves a second chance. Your sisters experience is not yours. Don't compromise your compassion for her hatred."
She was right. I knew that my sisters love and acceptance was conditional. "I will love you," she said, "We are sisters". But only if I do exactly as she says. I wrote her a message, explaining that I will not abandon my love for my mother or her family because SHE doesn't approve. I told her I am sorry, oh so sorry, that she cannot accept me for what I am, that she cannot love me despite her hate. But I won't back down- I won't stop communicating with other members of my family because it annoys her.
I believe in redemption. I believe in second chances. I believe that my sister has asked the impossible of me- she is asking me to choose. I thought, for a moment, about ceasing all contact with my maternal family. But then I realized...what kind of sister would ask me to make a choice like that? She cut me out of her life so quickly..she ignored my protests to have a discussion about it. I was dispensable..but why was I suprised?
My mothers family has never been anything but nice to me. They send me postcards from the USA when I am here across the ocean. They send me nice messages, they talk to me about the past- about the future. My sister has given me pain for years. I will not abandon them for her.
And so I say goodbye- goodbye to the sister who has never loved me, goodbye to the sisterhood that we almost had. One day, Nicole, you will realize what you have lost- you will realize that your hate and inability to forgive will hurt you more than anyone else. I believe in second chances. I believe in redemption. I believe that I owe my mother this.
Nicole- I hope you change your mind one day. I am the only sister you have- the only full-blood sibling. I waited to be your friend for years. I mourn this loss, I am saddened by your callousness. I know you have been hurt, but cutting me out of your life will not save you from harm. It means only one thing - you won't have me in your life. I believe in redemption, in atonement, in trying as hard as you can to make right what has gone wrong. There is always a price for adoptees. And I guess losing you is the price I have to pay to love my family, to love my mother. Though it pains me more than you can imagine...I think I can afford it.
