Smoke and mirrors...a message for my sister.

Well, it seems I’m an adoptee-masochist. 

I always ask for trouble.

I had been feeling guilty, lately, for not trying harder with my sister Nicole. My kept sister, the apple of our father’s eyes. I know that in pains him that we absolutely hate each other. So, I sent her a nice email- telling her my feelings on the subject, imploring the both of us to be mature, to work out our problems. Because we are sisters. I am her only sister,and she is mine. Let’s fight adoption, I said. Lets love each other despite the odds, lets put aside our 10 years of differences and let’s try and make it work.

Masochism at it’s best!

Her answer? A long list of everything I did wrong in the past 10 years. Most of which, I don’t even remember. Probably because I was 12 when it happened. And she was 9. Which makes me wonder how she remembers.

But I could deal with all of that. I could have written “I’m sorry for all the ways I’ve hurt you. I didn’t mean to do it.”

But she wasn’t finished yet.

“You remind me too much of our mother. I know that I have a part of her inside me too..but I’ve learned to control it. You remind me of her, you are just like her. And I don’t want to know anyone who is like her.”

WHAT?!?!

Let’s review a few of the facts.

I am working on a masters, I live abroad and pay my own rent. I have good friends who love me, who I’ve kept for decades. I have a wonderful relationship with both of my parents, with all of my living grandparents, and with my extended family. I am the favorite aunt, the most fun cousin. I have never been in any sort of trouble with the law. Not once. I have never smoked anything stronger than a cigarette (though, unfortunately, I smoke a lot of them). I haven’t so much as a fucking parking ticket. 

Our mother was a drug addict. She did crack, crank, every type of drug under the sun. She’s been in jail. She’s had her kids taken away from foster care. She is bipolar (which wouldn’t be an issue if she actually took her meds). She was an alcoholic, she was unstable 90% of the time. She kept promises she couldn’t keep, she emotionally abused every child who was left in her care. 

Lets talk about Nicole. Spoiled, fucked up, cruel. Chases away every boyfriend or fiance she's ever had with her absurd acidity. She is abusive and jealous. She does drugs. She is a super Christian who hates her own sister. She refuses to forget, let alone forgive. She has told me she hates me, that I will never belong in her family, that they only talk to me because they feel obligated. She fights, she is rude, she gets pulled over for much more than a parking ticket.  She likes to talk about our father using the word “my”. In capital letters. Like “MY father only talks to you because he feels guilty.” or “I’m not jealous with the relationship you have with MY dad”. She’s like my dog..peeing on things she wants to claim as her own.

I’m not perfect, people. In fact, I’d say that I’m pretty fucked up. I have issues, I have troubles. I see shards of our mother’s personality in myself...and it frightens me. But I see more of them in her. And thats even more troubling.

Nicole- here’s a message for you. I’m done. I give up. I hope one day you change your mind ( as our father insists you will). Not because I want to be your friend. I do not. But only because then I can tell you to go fuck yourself as you have told me. You are not my sister. You are nothing. You don’t deserve to know me. I would love you, treat you well, give you everything of myself...if only you’d let me. I’ve waited for you for years. The waiting time is over.  I have been passive, open, and have exposed my deepest feelings in the hopes that it would soften the hardness that you have within you.

But it’s only backfired. And now I’m done. I will never forgive you for what you have said. Our mother is many bad things, I’ll never deny it. But she is a compassionate soul. She is loving. She has her demons that she was unable to fight. But she LOVED. She had love in her heart.

The same cannot be said for you. You are no sister of mine.

Responsibility.

I am a firm believer in the notion that everyone in the world of adoption is obliged to accept their responsibility.  In these days, relinquishment and adoption do not happen magically- they involve at least two calculated decisions.

As an adoptee, I accept my obligation to be understanding, compassionate, and open. I foster relationships with members of my adoptive family, and I do the same for members of my natural family. I accept any sibling who wants to know me, I  maintain and nourish the relationships I have with my natural mother and father. I make mother and father’s day cards, I make calls on all holidays. I send congratulations for new babies, weddings, and birthdays. 

There are very few things that would cause me to cease contact with my natural parents. If they had no respect for my adoptive family, I would have to seriously reconsider our relationship. They don’t have to be friends- they don’t even have to talk to one another. And it goes both ways. I  don’t expect my parents to be HAPPY about my relationship with my biological family. But I do expect them to be supportive of me, and I expect them to accept it gracefully (as they have). 

One thing is for sure though- if my natural parents did not take responsibility for their actions, it would not be able to have a relationship with them. And the reasoning is simple- they made a life altering and objectively damaging decision on my behalf. Without my consent or knowledge or approval. All parents make decisions like that for their children. The only difference is that my parents actually made a decision to NOT be my parents. 

They robbed me of my name, my heritage, and the security of growing up with my own clan. They chose to give me to another family- and in doing so stripped me if my most core identity, of my right to grow up within my own family. They destroyed the most important relationships in my young life- the one that I was supposed to have with them. They ensured that my siblings and I would grow up apart. They robbed my siblings of their sister, their parents of a grandchild. 

They did all of these things for a few simple reasons.  They did not feel they had sufficient money to raise me in the custom to which they had been raised. My paternal family hated my natural mother. And my father did not want to be a parent at that time. He was 27 and my mother was 25. 

Over the course of our reunion, they have explained  their reasoning to me. They have expressed regret. They have expressed sadness, and they have asked my forgiveness. But never, not once, did they tell me that it wasn’t their fault. They take full responsibility for the decision they made over 2 decades ago. And I’m glad they do.

Babies don’t give up themselves. In this day  & age, when single parenting is on the rise, children out of wedlock are no longer seen as the scum of the earth, and parenting classes and aid are so readily available- I find it hard to understand that women are placing children. Capable, sane, normal, kind women are giving their babies up left and right. And I find it pretty sick. I’m sure they have their reasons- and I can only hope that they don’t sound hollow 20 years from now when their children want to know why they were given away.

I hear a lot of women who placed recently talking about familial pressures, societal stigmas, and unsupportive partners. Everyone is keen to blame the big bad adoption industry.... as if they were tricking every woman who experiences and unexpected pregnancy. But the reality is this : most women keep their babies. Poor, dumb, smart, white, black, rich, young , old - the adjectives don’t matter. The percentage of women who place is VERY small.

So, how can people continue to blame the adoptive parents or the adoption industry for THEIR decisions? If the industry permeated nearly as much as some natural parents claim, everyone would be giving up their babies. But that simply isn’t true. Are women who place less resilient, more impressional than their counterparts who keep their babies? Are they simply gullible, giving into the industry while their more sly sisters hold on to their offspring? I don’t think any of that is true.  But that is what some natural parents are trying to make me believe. They are victims, they claim. And maybe that’s so. I believe that natural parents are the victims of the most insidious idea: that they are unworthy of raising their own children.

But I accept the victim role only until a certain point. Something like 98% of pregnant women keep their babies. Even very young woman. It’s what comes naturally to us, it’s what we are SUPPOSED to do. The fact that the small percentage of women who give up their babies then go on to say that somebody else made them do it just infuriates me. We are no longer in the BSE. Things have changed, and are changing. Keeping your baby is easier  and more socially acceptable than ever. 

I don’t think its easy to take responsibility for an unpopular decision. Because face it, after the adoption is finalized, natural mothers are no longer the “saints” they were before relinquishment. Most people cringe at the idea of giving away their child. Most people cannot imagine it, even in the most desperate of circumstances. It cant be easy to have done the unimaginable. It’s easy to blame other people, or other entities. 

But one fact remains- had my parents not given me up, I would not have been adopted. Its really quite simple.  For every choice there is a consequence.  I pity the adoptees my age who  have parents who simply will not take responsibility.

Adoption has taken so much from me. And I’ll be damned if the people who chose it for me aren’t going to admit it.  I wonder how the children born in the 90’s think..and the children born in the 2000’s. I hope that all modern day parents have some damn good reasons. Otherwise they are going to have a difficult time explaining to their children why they were cast away. It's so unnatural to be given away. And if the reasons are hallow....it makes it much worse. 

Married

I found out I had a sister when I was 11 years old. My excitement to meet and know my natural parents flew out the window when I heard about her...I was so excited to be a BIG sister! We wrote letters to each other- colorful little notes designed with flowers and puppies and stars. We would profess our never-ending love for one another. We were Sisters- separated by circumstance, but reunited by destiny. We took trips to visit each other- visiting the highest floors of the tallest skyscrapers in NYC, riding horses in the golden fields of Texas.

And then one day, it stopped. She hit puberty, decided she didn't want anything to do with me, the little intruder into her family, and she convinced 99% of the family to exile me with her. Only our father and his wife, steadfast, continued to talk to me in secret. The last time I saw them was on one of my birthdays, 5 years ago.

Nicole is my full sibling. I loved her once. I am her only full sibling. She doesn't talk to any of our half siblings. I talk to all of them. And yet, knowing all of them is not enough for me. I want so desperately to  be friends with Nicole. We have our issues, yes. I am jealous of her, yes. But I was always willing to put them ALL aside if it meant that we could build our relationship. She's never really been interested.  We had a year or so of good, solid communication. She cut me off about a month ago when I started talking with our maternal family- a  part of her family she doesn't like. She sees me as a threat.

I heard news today that Nicole is getting married. I saw the engagement announcement on facebook today.  Her ring is beautiful.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will not be invited. Her bridesmaids will be her friends and her step sister.

My natural father got married two years ago. I was not invited to that either. He wanted to invite me, he said, but he couldn't because it would  create a stir within his family- mostly with his mother Thank you adoption, for making sure that I was not there to see my own fathers wedding. Thank you adoption for making damn sure that I will not be invited, let alone be a part of, my only full sisters wedding.

Nicole- I remember when you were small. I remember when we BOTH were small. Time passes- it is one thing that we can be sure of. I wish I could congratulate you, I wish I could see you. Your ring is beautiful, and I know you'll be beautiful too. I wish you, as I always have, all the happiness in the world.

Kept children just matter more.

Ain't it the truth?


How many times have I heard from my natural family :

"We can't do that with you because it would hurt Nicole (my younger sister, born and kept 2 years later)."

My own maternal grandmother refuses to have anything to do with me. Why? Because she says her loyalties will always be to Nicole.

"Amanda has her own family. Nicole only has us. We need to be loyal to her, she needs to know that she is  our only grandbaby".

"I'm sorry Amanda but we have to cancel our visit. I know you bought the tickets and have waited for weeks..but it's not a good idea. Nicole is mad and doesn't want you to visit. We can't rock the boat".


My grandparents and aunts keep all the letters I send them, but hide them when they know that Nicole will be visiting.


"We love you just as much as we love Nicole...it's just different".

Yeah. I gathered.

I don't really expect anything different. After all, she has a history with them that spans 20 years and I simply do not. I've only been around for the last 11 years....and only for a few weeks a year. I don't doubt my natural parents' love for me- I know it's there. They've told me and they've demonstrated it to me. But I do resent the constant proclamations of equal love for me and my sister. That is something they have said a million times...but I never expect to see the proof. Nicole is their baby. I was the baby that nobody wanted.

On some level, my grandmother is right. I DO have my own family- my adoptive family, extended and otherwise, adore me. I am the cherished granddaughter, the fun aunt, the loving daughter and sister who makes them proud.Why isn't that enough?

Nicole only has one family. But she has HER family. And I suppose that makes all the difference. She grew up in the knowledge that she was loved, that she was wanted. I grew up knowing that I was wanted by one family only because I was unwanted by another. For whatever difficulties Nicole has had in her life (and trust me, there are a lot of them) in the end, she has a base that I don't. I have had, arguably, I better  life than she has. I have had an emotional stability that she has never known, I have college educated parents who paid my way through college, I have lived (and currently live) abroad. I have two mother languages (I have one American parent and one European parent). I have a good life, with a family who loves me.

But that isn't enough. All the college and Italian and love in the world will not make up for the loss of my family. No amount of pride or self esteem will ever relieve me of my original inadequacy.


I hate Nicole for being kept. I hate her even more for KNOWING it. For LOVING it. And for hypothetically marking her territory every time I came to visit. I am jealous that my father loves her, that he raised her as a single father while he forced my mother to give me away 2 years prior.

He loves me now, he wants me now. He tells everyone that he would take me back in a heartbeat, that I could live with him at any time... all I have to do is ask.

But Nicole never had to ask.

As the given away child, I am already acutely aware of the fact that my parents chose to give me away. Having a sibling, a fairly evil sibling, who was kept 2 years later just... makes it worse.

I understand that she is special to them in a way that I could never be. But wasn't that their own doing?  had they kept me, I would have been loved, I would have been cherished. Nicole is proof of that. I lived a large portion of life being grateful for having been adopted, for having been given the chance to be loved. But I could have been loved, I could have been happy with my natural family.

Nicole is happy. She just matters more. She always has. When the going gets tough, my family will ALWAYS side with her. Her protection and sense of self worth and happiness will always trump mine. She must be made to feel special, even at my expense. And I guess that's what makes it hard for me to love her. 

Who is the enemy?

Me, at a few weeks old. Right after I was relinquished by my mother.

http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2011/05/is-scott-simon-angry-with-us.html#more

I read this link on the first mother forum...and I can’t fully agree. I agree that Scott Simon is a tad deluded. But I don’t think he’s evil, and I certainly think he is significantly more “aware” than most adoptive parents. The fact that he wrote a book and bothered to write a letter to the FMF is already a step in the right direction.... how many adoptive parents live blissfully unaware of the issues surrounding adoption, convinced that their adopted child will never turn out  like we “nutballs” who write against it? Every single adoptive parent I know in real life. Including my own. 

Which brings me to the point of my post. I am disgusted by the villinization of adoptive parents. I’m sick of it and I think its bullshit. 

I do not think adopting a child is wrong.Wanting to raise a child is not a crime people. There is nothing morally wrong in having resources and wanting to raise a child. Adoptive parents don’t “have” babies like their non-adoptive counterparts. They raise children. And the desire to do so does not make them morally corrupt or evil. 

The majority of the population, especially in the United States, believes that adoption is an altruistic and loving act. We, as an adoptive community, will never ever ever ever EVER be able to convince the WORLD that the adoption of a child is wrong. 

But you know what I DO find wrong? Giving up a child for adoption. That, my dears, is a travesty. I’m talking about the year 2011. With modern day medical procedures, cultural acceptance of single parenting,  various aid programs offered by the state and federal governments...what reason could POSSIBLY exist for a woman to give up her own child? How do we justify that? How can we say that it is a good thing?

Youth, the desire to finish school and join the work force, unsupportive partners and disapproval from family members are all good reasons NOT to have a baby. But none of them are good reasons to have a baby and give it away.

I’m not stupid. Adoption will always continue. There will always be women who think it is the right choice. And there will always be couples who are ready to adopt that baby.

But we are focusing on the wrong targets. Why villinize adoptive parents ? In order for them to adopt a baby, someone has to give one up. If there are fewer babies available for adoption, fewer people will be able to adopt. It’s simple math. To achieve change, we need to go to the heart of the matter....  the mothers who are thinking of placing. We can give them a truth that their agencies will never tell them.  We can tell them our stories, give them the wisdom of our experiences, warn them against something we do not feel is right. If THEY listen, then we have won another battle. But fighting with adoptive parents who have already adopted or are considering it? Please. WAKE UP PEOPLE!  There will always be couples that, for whatever reason, will want to adopt and raise a child. If we tell them they are wrong, they will laugh at us. And they will adopt anyway. 

The person who is MOST concerned with the welfare of the child who might be placed for adoption is their mother. If we can convince her that adoption is not a good idea, that it hurts all involved, that her child might NOT thank her for her “selflessness”. I love my natural parents... I do. But I will never thank them for what they have done. I just don’t see a reason. They did what was best for them at the time. They had all the resources to keep a child.. in fact, they DID keep the next baby born 23 months later. 

I love my natural parents, but I do not respect them for their decision to place me. I don’t think giving up a child is any sort of act of altruism or love. It may seem like it sometimes, but at the end of the day the fact is this: there is a reason that something like 1-2% of mothers choose adoption for their infants. It goes against everything that we, as human beings, were made for. It destroys the very fabric of the most important structure in our culture- that of family.

Telling adoptive parents that they are selfish, deluded baby stealers is one of the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. And I think that those who do it are directing anger in a  place where it doesn’t belong, and I think they are fighting a battle that they will never win.

Stop mothers from giving away their babies. THAT’S the answer.

Making other people feel better-- Adoptee Job Description.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately in adoption-blog-land....and I’m a little sickened today. I haven’t had a strong visceral reaction to a post in a long time. And when I do, its usually when I jump to the defense of a fellow adoptee, or a friend. But this time, I found myself doing the criticizing. I found myself getting defensive over something that, frankly, isn’t any of my damn business.

I hate hate hate hate hate seeing the difference between kept children and placed children. Perhaps its a soft spot for me, considering I am the infamous “placed child”, whose little sister was born just 2 years after me. Under the same circumstances. 

So yeah, I’m a little bitter. My sister has spent all 11 years of our reunion making sure I understand how special she is, how loved, how wanted. Yeah bitch, I get it. Mom and Dad kept you and gave me away. I know I know I know. You were, and will always be, loved and treasured in a way that I can only dream of. Thanks for the reminder.

So perhaps that is why I got all upset today when I read a blog today where the writer addresses her kept son, telling him how loved and special he is and how he should never worry because he won’t be given away. As much as I personally enjoy this blogger and her personal story, I was so taken aback. So..angry. I was so angry for her son, the first one, who gets to live the rest of his life in an open adoption where he can see firsthand his mother’s love for her second, kept child. And then maybe he will read what she is written... and see his mother promise her younger, kept child, how he will never be left, how he will always be their beloved child.

I understand that a big reason why my parents did not want to place my sister was because of their relinquishment experience with me. My birthfather has told me on more than one occasion that when I was born, he chose his own freedom over me. But when my sister was born, he decided his freedom wasn’t worth losing another child.

And perhaps thats what the author of that post feels. She regrets placing her firstborn, and maybe it was with that regret in mind that the birth of her second child was such a miracle, such a joy. And there is nothing wrong with that. But I hurt for the placed child- I hurt for him. 

I admit that I resent my sister for being kept when I wasn’t. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my sister is a spoiled little monster. Or maybe it’s just the adoptee in me that gets tired of being reminded how special she is. How wanted she was. How her place in OUR family is forever- how she will never have to stay awake at night overanalyzing every word that they say. Because she is one of them. She belongs. There is no question, there is no doubt. She is the daughter, niece, grandchild, and cousin.  Loved and beloved, accepted into the family fold without question or difficulty. And I guess on some level, I hate for for that. 

It’s not her fault. If our birthdays had been swapped, I’D be the one in the family, and she would have been adopted out. But she doesn’t see it that way. Our parents never thought about giving her away. And she never forgets to remind me. 

I’m tired of the plight of the kept child. How everyone has to be extra careful to say just the right things, lest they think that they too will be given away. Oh please. If they were going to give you away, they would have done it when you were born. Exactly like they did to us. The parents’ constant need to assure their kept children of their love and value and importance is a direct slap into the face of the adoptee. And in my case, it created a monster- a little girl who was convinced of her own inflated self worth and specialness- who became a teenager who is convinced of the same things, who became an adult who is convinced that her innate value was what saved her from the world of adoption. And it was my lack of value that condemned me to it. 

I hope that child never sees his siblings’ story. I hope he can look past his parents’ gushing love for his kept brother and see their love for him. But I suspect, just as in my case, that he will see something else: that he was a result of an undesired pregnancy and that his brother was the result of something very different. That his parents never thought about giving away their second son. The same parents who not only THOUGHT of giving him to another family..they actually did it. 

I don’t think that couples who place children for adoption should remain childless. That’s absurd. Everyone on this earth has a right to happiness. But the overwhelming and special love for one child should NEVER be highlighted by the exile of the other. 

“We love you so much, you are ours forever and ever. We will always be your mom and dad. We will never do to you what we have done to your sister.” 

how about :

“We love you so much. You are ours forever and ever. We miss and love your brother too, forever and ever.  We are a family, all of us. We want to teach you that love can encompass distance and legalities.”

 But then again.... that’s just my opinion.  If the fact that I was placed and my sister wasn’t can make her feel better about herself... I guess that’s the price I’ve got to pay. I’ve been the sacrificial lamb for familial harmony before. It’s all good.

Open Adoption, a not objective view

I have never felt 100% comfortable with the idea of an open adoption. Even though I have a few very speicalMy own adoption was semi-closed.. in that my natural parents received yearly photos of me up until my 5th birthday, when my parents simply forgot and stopped sending them. A few years later, my natural father called them- politely requesting that my parents recommence sending the photos that were promised to him. Of course, my parents did so- up until my reunion when I was 12 years old.

My parents will tell you that my adoption was open. Born during world war II- both of them have a very traditional idea of adoption and what it should entail. The fact that they sent photos of me, even though they “didn’t have to” constitutes, for them, an open adoption.

But this is not the concept of open adoption that I would like to explore. I’m more focused on the modern concept of “openness”- where natural and adoptive parents have a communicative relationship for the sake of the child. Said child, in theory, will grow up with less confusion, a lessoned or eliminated sense of abandonment, and valuable information about their biological relatives and genetic history.

It sounds great, doesn’t it? But I’m not so sure. From what I have read (and I’ve read a lot)- open adoption was originally proposed as a more palatable alternative to traditional adoption practices. The theory was that if they were promised ongoing contact, photos, and a relationship with their child- mothers would be more willing to relinquish. It sounds like offering a dog a tasty treat before tossing them off the bridge, rather than pushing them outright. It sounds to me like a ploy. And I don’t like it.

 I am of the idea that adoptions should be rare. Super rare. So rare that is absolutely a last resort for all involved. Convincing capable, healthy, modern women to give up their children with the promise that they can see them is, in my opinion, very, very sad. I don’t think that open adoption will harm a child. I don’t think that extra love can ever be a bad thing. I do think that it is more than likely that the child will have to face different difficulties than those of us from the more closed eras have had to face. All in all, it sounds like it could be a GOOD thing for the child. But its a good thing that is attempting to bandage a bad thing. 

I am against open adoption for one reason and one reason only: it was designed to encourage more women to relinquish. And its worked, hasn’t it? The vast majority of women who are placing nowadays are insisting upon open adoptions. And that is what irritates me. These children, these children who became adoptees, were conceived, born, relinquished and adopted just like the rest of us. The general public is FINALLY accepting the fact that much of adoptee pain is caused by secrecy and lies and shame. But these adoptees in open adoptions? They, in theory, don’t have that secrecy. They were openly relinquished... made to consistently see, every time their natural parents visit, what  they are missing out on. They will see their siblings be born and kept. If the siblings are happy, they will say: wouldn’t I have been happy too?” When they see the joy that the new baby brings their natural family, they will say “why weren’t they happy like that for me?”

And when these adoptees feel these griefs...who will listen to them? Maybe the adoptive parents, even though it will hurt them to hear it. Maybe the natural parents,  if they are capable of seeing that their supposedly “fool proof” relinquishment plan wasn’t all that perfect. But in the world outside of adoption- who will care about these kids? They will say “You’ve got a good family, you got every advantage. You even get to know and have a relationship with your biological family. You’ve got everything..what do you want???”

The world of open adoption is an enticing one. But I see it is a bandaid- a flimsy adhesive made to fix that which has been broken beyond repair. The gooey icing you smear on the cake to hide its bitter taste. These children, the ones being born and placed right now, are adoptees like the rest of us. They have been exiled, like the rest of us. The cast away children- they will be given a rare opportunity to see first hand what all adoptees can imagine- exactly how their natural family has gone on without them. 

The peculiar status of the adoptee...

I've read a few posts recently- most of them discussing the fact that natural mothers and adoptees are equal, and that pain is pain..nomatter where it lands. Those who harp upon their own pain are told, in some of these posts, that adoption is not the worst thing that can happen.

I think that's a pretty fair statement. One must only look in the newspaper- any newspaper- to find stories of those who are worse off than us. It's not hard. Human suffering, sadly, is alive and well in our world. You can read about rape, murder, accidents, and tragedies. It puts being placed for adoption in perspective, doesn't it?

I don't think that adoption pain is more painful than other types of sadness. I don't think its the worst thing that can happen to an infant. I do, however, think that adoptee pain is unique. I think it is unique in many ways..one of them being that we don't have a reference point. We can never say "things were better before the accident" or, " our life was so much more full beforehand." Being adopted is our LIVES. It is our complete existence.  I don't agree that adoptee pain is more valid than that of natural parents. But I do believe it's different.. I do believe that it is not comparable. I do believe that we are the major players in adoption.

 We are the adoptees. We were relinquished, stripped of our original identities and robbed of the most natural of human knowledge. We were placed into adoptive families..some good, some bad. Everyone else in our stories had a hand to play.  Adoptive parents who adopted us, and natural families who relinquished us. Nomatter what anyone says..I will never accept that the nature of choice is the same. That nobody had a say in any of it. As adoptees, we are the ONLY ones who were COMPLETELY and utterly at the whims of the adults in our lives. Mothers from the BSE had no choice, I acknowledge that. But their parents probably had a role in the placements of their grandchildren. Someone had to want it. Adoptees never got to want anything.


So yes.. I suppose that makes me a little biased. I suppose that makes me "unfair" or "insensitive." But I am an adoptee, and I advocate for adoptees. I do believe that we are the most important members of the triad. Not sentimentally- I don't think our FEELINGS matter more. But I think that the other members of the adoption community (adoptive and natural parents) play secondary roles. Because the point remains this: both natural and adotive parents played a ROLE in our adoption- but we are the ONLY ONES who were relinquished and adopted. We are the ones with no reference point, with no idea how the rest of the world functions within their families of origin. We just don't know how it feels to be a part of the family you were born into. And we will never know.. no reunion can fix that.

I am not a selfish person. It's not in my nature. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that I am  an inherently altruistic person. I have never treated my natural family with anything but the utmost respect, love, and compassion. Never. Not once. Even though, frankly, some of them deserve to be smacked. I don't think that I'm the all mighty powerful adoptee, who can wreak havoc on my natural family's lives without consequence or regret. I don't think that. But I do think that I was the one who was placed, and I was the one who was adopted. I don't think its my job to make either set of parents feel good about what they have or haven't done. I am an adoptee...part of a small and often unrecognized minority group. We are the children of parents who gave us to others to raise. And I resent that ANYONE tells us that our positions within the adoption community are all equal. They are not. They have never been. Out of the three parts- only ONE of us has been placed for adoption and has had to live with that.

How has losing my mother affected me?

How has losing my mother affected me?

I had an interesting discussion with my adoptive mother recently, regarding the book "The Primal Wound". I never bought into it... but my mother does! Which surprised me, to say the least.

I've lost my natural mother various times. When I was born, when I was a pre-teen, and two years ago. She has always loved me, though I've gone through  some periods in my life in which I seriously doubted it. How can she have loved me?  Mothers who love their children keep their children. Thats a pretty basic fact. But nothing is basic in the world of adoption. Only in the world of adoption are we introduced, often at a very young age, to the concept of  "love= left."

"Your mother loved you so much that she gave you away."

In what other context does that absurd statement make sense?
Your husband loved you so much that he divorced you.
Your boyfriend loved you so much that he broke up with you.
Your cat loved you so much that she ran away to live with the neighbors.

It all sounds pretty damn stupid, right? Well, it is. I am not an idiot. I don't believe that my mothers love for me is what motivated her to give me to another family. I think my  domineering paternal family, her own insecurities, and my natural fathers threats to break up with her were the more likely catalysts. At the end of the day, though, my mother DID give me away.  You can sugarcoat or rephrase that in anyway you'd like. But I am very sure in my wording.

So where does that leave me? The cast away child, the given away baby... what does that mean for MY existence? For my life?
I am not afraid that my adoptive mother is going to leave me. I am not afraid that one my parents will just stop loving me and pass me along to the next adoptive couple in line. I don't think I'm worthless, I don't think I'm disposable. At least not as the woman I am now. But I am acutely aware of the fact that once my mother gave up her rights to me, I was  a commodity. Like a pair of slippers or a Labrador Retriever. I don't believe that I was preordained by God, or anyone else, to end up in my adoptive family. I belonged with my mother- the one who gave birth to me. Once she didn't want me..nobody did. At least not in the way that most babies are wanted. I was merely "a baby". And whomever adopted me did so because they wanted "a baby"..not because they wanted me. Most parents long for THEIR child, for the baby that THEY created.

My friend (whom I live with) has a blown-up photo of her minutes after birth. She looks confused (as do most newborn babies), and is wrapped in a pink blanket. She hasn't even been dried off. Underneath the photo, there is a handwritten message; saying ( In Italian) " To our niece- the beauty who is much wanted, much loved, and much waited for. We love you, thankyou for being born, Love Aunt & Uncle".

I hate that picture. I hate it so fucking much. I am in her room roughly 6 hours everyday. Our kitchen table is in there ( don't ask) and she has the best breeze. I could draw her room from memory..except the wall near the dresser, where that photo hangs. I don't look there. I purposefully avoid it. It touches something within me, a point of weakness.  It reminds me so much of my biggest flaw, my biggest hurdle in life. My mother gave me away, and then I was nobody. The identity I have forged with my adoptive family has nothing to do with the baby who I was when I was fresh out of the womb.  That child no longer exists.

When people ask me how adoption has affected me...I say "not much". The act of being adopted into my family was not traumatic. I love my family. I feel like I belong with them. The real question, I suppose, is how has my mothers leaving me affected me? How has THAT formed my identity? The answer is: I don't know. I can't know. I don't want to know. I can't bring myself to go there, not on any deep level.

When all of our friends see that photo on my housemates wall, they coo " Oh you were SO CUTE".  The fact that I cannot bring myself to look at that photo without crying says something about the effect my mothers absence has had on my life. The fact that I avoid that entire wall says a lot. In fact, I suspect it says it all.

I don't have any pictures from when I was born.  They don't exist... I've asked my natural family. The earliest I have is when I am about 2 months old, in the arms of my adoptive mother on a stoop in Brooklyn. I'm sleeping. I wonder what I looked like as a newborn. I wonder who was there, who waited for me. But I guess it doesn't matter. The most telling thing is that nobody had a camera.

Extended Dislocation

I've never admitted this before.  Even now as I type these words..I feel guilty. I feel as if I am risking a lot.... as if typing these words will someone make them more true than I already think they are.

I don't fit in sometimes with my  extended adoptive family. My maternal grandparents adore me. My aunts and uncles and cousins...they are all nice to me. But there are many things that have happened over the years that demonstrate to me, sadly, that I am not quite "one of them."

My mother has two brothers.  Both of these brothers have children. These children are all very close- they all share a last name. It came to a point once where one of my cousins went to live with my aunt and uncle due to ideological problems with his parents. When they had a graduation party, I was not invited. When they have joint birthday parties, I am not invited. I find out about these mini-parties at bigger ones- Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween. I see pictures of all of them, at their respective homes, celebrating various occasions. I once overheard one of my aunts complaining to my grandmother  and grandfather that she gave me too much attention, that I wasn't even really "her grandchild" and that the love should be  reserved for her children- the REAL grandkids. I was six. I still remember that day.

My grandparents keep the family together. But I wonder, sometimes, what will happen when they die. Will I still be invited to family dinners...will I still exist? My big Italian/Irish family always goodnaturedly fight at the dinner table. They are 90% Italian and 10% Irish. They argue over which nationality is better. Both my uncles and all of my cousins are members of the NYPD and NYFD...the prestigious and very "clique-y" law enforcement groups in New York City. They all have this bond- they are loud, Italian, New Yorkers. What am I?

This Easter, my cousin announced that he was marrying his girlfriend of 2 months. Everybody at the table knew why...even though nobody said it  out loud. They are both 21 years old.  Later, my grandmother and I spoke in private. She is, of course, disappointed about the 'early' and impending arrival of her first great-grandchild. But, she said, it will be nice to have a baby in the house again.  When someone in my family mentioned adoption ( I dont remember who), she said " No, no. We keep our babies in this family."

I live in Europe..so I heard all of this over the telephone. My grandother apologized to me later, for her "indescretion."

"I didn't mean that bad families don't keep their babies" she said "... I didn't mean that." But  thats exactly what she meant.

Another time, while trying to convince her sons to get good grades as I do, my aunt said "Look at Amanda, look how she gets such good grades and is such a good girl! You all had the BEST start in life. Amanda had it rough, her parents gave her away! You all had the best start, cherished from before you were born. Why can't you get good grades like she does?"
Thanks, Aunt Lisa.

I have two nephews. I love them dearly and they love me.  I call them all the time, I write them colorful letters from the country where I live. I send them handmade, handstitched bedtime stories. I call their mother on mothers day, my brother (their father) on fathers day.  They are nice to me, never forget my birthday, and love me dearly. But... I am afraid I don't matter. I am afraid I am the "adopted" aunt....the "adopted sister" of my brother.  An extra. I don't think my nephews know I am adopted. I am simply "aunt Amanda". But what about when they find out? What will it mean to them?

And so I wonder- is this merely another one of the burdens that we, as adoptees, are "lucky" enough to bear? When my parents are gone... what will I be? What will I become? I am a part of this family because they brought me into it. But when they are no longer here to love me, to be my mom and dad.... will I still be Aunt Amanda? Cousin Amanda? Or will my place in this family disappear.... a bastard baby brought into their midst, but who was never meant to stay?

Not with a whimper

(Me, 7 years old. Looking a lot like the blonde version of my sister.)

My full  sister, Nicole, and I were finally talking. After 10 years of silence and bickering and hatred....we seemed to have gotten over our differences. We were "sisters" on facebook. She joined the police academy, she was making something out of her life. I was proud of her. I was always wary, of course. But I cared about her- I maybe even loved her.

And then, she disappeared. And I let her do it. She saw via facebook that I had been connecting with various members of our mother's family- our cousins, aunts, grandmother. Nicole hates our mother with a passion that is sort of frightening. She saw that I was communicating with them, and she deleted me from facebook. She sent me a message, explaining her actions.

"I do not want to communicate with you anymore", she wrote. "I don't want anything to do with our mother or her family- and I refuse to have anything to do with you if you insist on talking to them. They will burn you as t hey have burned me. And don't come asking me for help- because I will be the first one to tell you " I told you so." I'm not trying to be a bitch, but we can't talk anymore. Good luck...you can't help the helpless."

I could feel the hurt swelling in my chest. I ran into the kitchen to find my friend and housemate, Debora. We smoked a cigarette and I explained to her (in Italian) what had happened. She sat quietly on the kitchen table, blowing smoke rings into the air.  She told me "Amanda, you do not need her. You are a better person. What has your sister EVER done to deserve your loyalty? She has hurt you for years. I know you've been burned by your mother too...I but think you believe in second chances. Everyone, even your mother and her family, deserves a second chance. Your sisters experience is not yours. Don't compromise your compassion for her hatred."

She was right. I knew that my sisters love and acceptance was conditional. "I will love you," she said, "We are sisters". But only if I do exactly as she says. I wrote her a message, explaining that I will not abandon my love for my mother or her family because SHE doesn't approve. I told her I am sorry, oh so sorry, that she cannot accept me for what I am, that she cannot love me despite her hate. But I won't back down- I won't stop communicating with other members of my family because it annoys her.

I believe in redemption. I believe in second chances. I believe that my sister has asked the impossible of me- she is asking me to choose. I thought, for a moment, about ceasing all contact with my maternal family. But then I realized...what kind of sister would ask me to make a choice like that? She cut me out of her life so quickly..she ignored my protests to have a discussion about it. I was dispensable..but why was I suprised?

My mothers family has never been anything but nice to me. They send me postcards from the USA when I am here across the ocean. They send me nice messages, they talk to me about the past- about the future. My sister has given me pain for years. I will not abandon them for her.

And so I say goodbye- goodbye to the sister who has never loved me, goodbye to the sisterhood that we almost had. One day, Nicole, you will realize what you have lost- you will realize that your hate and inability to forgive will hurt you more than anyone else. I believe in second chances. I believe in redemption. I believe that I  owe my mother this.

Nicole- I hope you change your mind one day. I am the only sister you have- the only full-blood sibling. I waited to be your friend for years. I mourn this loss, I  am saddened by your callousness. I know you have been hurt, but  cutting me out of your life will not save you from harm. It means only one thing - you won't have me in your life. I believe in redemption, in atonement, in trying as hard as you can to make right what has gone wrong. There is always a price for adoptees. And I guess losing you is the price I have to pay to love my family, to love my mother.  Though it pains me more than you can imagine...I think I can afford it.

Unintended Victims

I've been thinking a lot lately about the balance of power in reunions, and  the notions that we all "owe" one another.

I cant tell you how much that irritates me. As a disclaimer, I will say that I am very much in favor of respect, cordiality, and common human decency within reunions. I think that in order for a reunion to function, both adoptees and natural parents must treat eachother with mutual respect, understanding, and compassion.

But the notion that the planes are equal is absurd. Of course its not equal. I believe, and am not afraid to say it, that I think adoptees SHOULD hold the cards in regards to reunion.  Why? It's simple. Someone decided to place us for adoption...if not directly our parents, our grandparents. The decision to expel us from our families was made by someone.  To every decision there is a consequence. And one of them, in my opinion, is that the adult adoptee will get to choose whether or not to include their biological families in their lives. In reunion, I believe that we finally are deserving of the power to say "yes" or "no" in regards to our interactions with our biological families. I don't think anyone will argue that adoptees "owe" their natural parents a realtionship or a visit. But what about the kept siblings? What if they want to know their placed sister or brother?

Well...too bad. I feel bad writing those words, but it's how I feel.  My heart aches for the little children who simply cannot understand why their sibling has no interest in knowing them.  And I pity the adoptee who alienates their biological families..especially siblings. Because knowing them can be an enormous gift. But are we obligated? Do we owe it to our parents kept children to be their friend? Sorry... no. Let Mom and Dad  or Grandma and Grandpa explain why little Johnny doesn't live with them anymore. Even if it wasn't  the natural parents choice to place (it happens)- they still need to explain to their kept children about societal pressures, influence, and family injustices. I'm sure the story around the siblings placement isn't a happy one. Relinquishment stories rarely are. But you want to know why mom and dad didnt keep your  sister or brother? You'd better ask mom and dad. Because your sibling was itty bitty when it happened. They had no more control than you have.

Asking anything of the sort of the adoptee is ludicrous. I'm not here to explain to my little sister why our parents gave me away 2 years before she was born. It wasn't my decision, baby doll. And had I been consulted, I probably wouldn't have been in favor of it.

It is a SHAME when children have to pay for adults mistakes or decisions. I know...adoptees are the opitome of children who pay for the actions of adults. We are the spokespeople. Sometimes the sum is heavy, sometimes not so much. But there is always something to pay. There is always a price. I ache for the children who want to know their siblings, for the loving parents who want to know their placed children. I ache, and I wish I could shake some of those adoptees, and say "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE?? GO PICK UP THAT PHONE, IDIOT!"

Personally? I have never denied a sibling. Or a relative. I have been denied over and over...but I have never rejected a soul. I don't understand adoptees who simply don't care about their natural families. But... I cannot blame them. I cannot criticize them. I think it is their right.

I'm tired of obligations. I'm tired of the argument of " the equal playing field". The field has NEVER been even, my friends. It certainly wasn't when I was born, and it never will be. I still have members of my biological family who can't look me in the eye simply because I exist. My kept siblings have always had their love and affection and acceptance. My sister wants an explanation? Go ask Grandma. Go ask Dad. Go ask mom. Your family decided this. We grew up apart because of them. You have a question? A complaint?  Don't understand how mom and dad could give away one child and keep others? You wanna know your brother? You want an explanation? Don't dial my number, sis. I don't understand it either.
'

Augmented birth certificates and natural parents

I 100% support that adoptees should have their original birth certificates. I believe that we, as human beings, have a right to know the circumstances of our birth and to have the legitimate document at our disposal should we want to consult it.

Theres been talk lately about whether or not natural parents should have  the right to obtain their child's AUGMENTED birth certificate.  And to that, I say NO.

And my reasoning is really quite simple. Relinquishment is the termination of parental rights. Just as , under the law, the natural parents are no longer the child's guardians,  they should have no rights to the child's augmented birth certificate- just as they would have no rights to the birth certificates of any child they met on the street.

Some people will argue that the open records should go both ways. I don't think that makes any sense.  Adoptees deserve their original birth certificates because it is something that every other citizen in the USA has posession of. It represents our original identity. Our original identity was never relinquished by US- it was TAKEN from us. We were never consulted as to our relinquishment- and thus I feel we are deserving of at least a piece of paper that represents who we were and where we came from. Parents who relinquish their child for adoption, regardless of the circumstances, are giving up one of the most important roles nature has assigned to them. That child is now given a new family and a new identity. SHOULD that child wish to find their biological family in the future, I feel that they should be able to access that record in order to help them reunite. Natural family members, obviously, should have the right to the OBC. It is a record that pertains to them directly, as it is the document of the child's birth. However, the augmented birth certificate is no such thing. It is a new version that lists the adoptive parents as the child's mother and father. Therefore, the document does NOT pertain to the biological parents in any way shape or form. It's a private affair between the child and his or her new family.

If the argument is that natural parents  should have an ethical right to know where their child is going and their new identity- I feel that is faulty logic. If both parties agree to an open adoption or ongoing contact, so be it. But I feel it is absurd for natural parents to think that they have any sort of right to the childs  new  and legal identity when their parental rights have been severed. Particularly when they have severed them themselves. I am very much in support of contact, reunion, and open adoptions. I was raised in a semi open adoption myself, and have been happily reunited for over a decade. But once the child is gone and the papers are signed- that's it. I don't think adoption should be an attractive decision. I don't think that relinquishing a child SHOULD enable the natural parents to have unrestricted access to their relinquished children, especially if the adoption is not fully open.  Adoptees will have the joy of forever being just that..adoptees: children who were given away to other families who then become adults.

 It seems like a fair trade to me. You want to place your child in another family? Good. But you don't get to have complete access to their new, legal identity. We're talking legal documents here....and legally, the child now is a part of another family. Legally, the child has no ties to the biological parents. Legally, the biological parents have no rights to  the child.  So how is it that people are arguing that open records should be a two way street? Adoption certainly isn't.  Only the adoptee gets adopted, and that's a fact. Why is it that in order to be given access to a part of OUR identity- we  are expected to reciprocate? When we were born, our natural parents had all rights to us. And they relinquished them. Regardless of the reason, it doesn't change the outcome. WE relinquished nothing. WE signed nothing. WE deserve UNRESERVED access to OUR original documents. And I think that natural parents have the right to the OBC as well. But our new identity is ALL our own. My natural parents chose to remove me from the future of their family....why on earth should they be allowed access to my new life that I was given by my adoptive family? Why does it seem that I, as the adoptee, NEVER  get a choice?

We adoptees are having enough trouble convincing people that we deserve to know our original identities. I don't think natural parents will EVER get the right to their child's updated and augmented records. I don't think it will happen. However, I'd be pretty irritated if those who are FOR open records were only in support of them if BOTH parties get access. Give adoptees their original birth certificates and support any other personal agenda separetely.... haven't we paid enough?

Obligation

    Theres been a lot of talk in the adoption blog world lately about rejection.  Natural fathers and mothers rejecting adoptees, and adoptees rejecting  natural mothers and fathers. Many of these bloggers urge mothers to accept their relinquished children, and they say the same thing to adoptees. "What could it hurt", they argue, "to just let the other party know how you are doing?"

      While I haven't been rejected by either of my biological parents- I have experienced rejection from other natural family members. And it hurts. How couldn't  it? Knowing that the people who would have loved you had you not been placed  don't even want to know you is a pretty hard pill to swallow. But then again, so is being placed for adoption in the first place.

     Many bloggers cite the moral responsibility that the natural parent and child have to one another. And I agree...but only for half of that equation. I believe that natural parents are morally obligated to give at least basal information to the child they relinquished. Not just medical information- but information surrounding the conception and placement of the child. Deciding to bring a child into this world, whether or not you raise them, assigns one a certain ethical obligation. I don't think that "giving life" is enough. Every human being, regardless of whether or not their parents decided to raise them, deserve to know the rudimentary facts about their past and their existence. Mothers who, for whatever reason, don't believe they have an obligation to their relinquished children are  (in my book) sadly mistaken.

I do not believe, however, that adoptees share that same obligation. And as unpopular an idea as that may be, I stand by it. And my reasoning is fairly simple.  As an adoptee, I resent any implication that I "owe" any parent in my life anything. I don't owe my adoptive parents any sort of gratitude or loyalty because they "took me in". I think everybody would agree with that. I respect and honor and am grateful to my adoptive parents... because I want to be. Because they have earned it. I also love and respect and am grateful to my first parents. I *WANTED* to meet them. And 1o years into reunion, they are an important and irreplaceable part of my life.

But what about the adoptees who DON'T want to reunite? Who have NO desire to know their biological parents? Are they obligated to communicate, even if they don't want to? The answer is no.  While giving life to a child requires some sort of ethical obligation from the parent, I do not believe that said child has any responsibility. I don't believe that ANY adoptee is morally or ethically responsible for making a first parent "feel better" or "be at peace." Want some sort of guarantee that the child you bore will one day want to know you? Don't place them for adoption. Adoptees, often from day one, are required to incorporate themselves into a family that is not their own. We adoptees, part of a strange and unnatural minority, are thrust into the world of being adopted before we have the words to explain what has happened to us.  Sometimes being adopted is a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing. But its ALWAYS a thing that we did not choose.

Before everybody gets all up in arms telling me that "nobody chooses their parents" or "some first parents had no choice"- stop. I am not saying that PLACING a child for adoption creates this obligation to the child. I am saying that GIVING BIRTH to a child creates this obligation. Whether or not the adoption was a real "choice" is irrelevant. It changes precious little for the child who has been placed. I don't think adoptees owe their first parents anything. Not a letter, not a phone call, and certainly not a relationship. Why should we? We have already payed the ultimate price for our relatives decisions. If an adoptee  has no desire..why on earth should they feel obligated? Because the first parent feels bad? Because they want some peace? Because they are curious? Because they are hurting?

Sorry folks- just as reunification cannot be used as a bandage for an adoptee, neither should it be used as one for a first parent. Peace does not lie in the other person, but within ourselves.  I believe that an adoptee who is searching has an indisputable right to information from their  natural parent(s).  I believe we are owed an explanation.  Not a relationship, but at the very least an explanation. The decisions of the adults in our lives have radically altered our existence. When we were adopted.. we were given a new name, a new identity, a new family, a new life.  We were given all of those things because our relinquishment took them away from us. Our name, our identity, our family- lost. At least gone for us. Forever. No reunion can change that.

"Why the double standard?" people ask. It doesn't seem fair, does it?  Well, its not fair. It certainly isn't.  Many first parents are fond of reminding us that we don't owe our adoptive parents loyalty..that we should not make the decision not to not reunite to save their feelings. But can't the same be said about natural parents? We shouldn't reunite just to satisfy their feelings. Just as I owe my adoptive parents nothing for adopting me,  I owe my first parents nothing for giving me up. In a perfect world, both parties would like to reunite. I would encourage all adoptees to reach out to their natural families. It can be a very rewarding and healing experience. I know some first mothers who are fantastic, loving, intelligent women, whose children don't want to know them.  And those adoptees are missing out big time. Although I cannot approve of their decisions to alienate their first mothers.. nor can I condemn them.

Nobody is born a first-parent. For the people who have relinquished children, there is always a chapter before adoption entered their lives. They have perspective, they can look back on a time when they were not a part of the "triad."  Adoptees, at least those of us placed as infants, have no such place of recollection. We were never given a chance to "avoid" being an adoptee (it's certainly something I would have avoided, had I been consulted).  And on that merit alone, I believe we owe nothing.

 I am in a successful reunion. I have spent years of my life trying to juggle having two families..trying to make them coexist within my life harmoniously. It's not easy, but for me it's worth it. For some adoptees, it simply isn't worth the trouble. Some adoptees have no interest, some adoptees cannot face that part of their lives. For some adoptees, its easier not knowing. And I think that's our right.

Crumbs

                                                               (me and my sister)

I recently read a post by Kara, entitled " "I love you, but...."

             In this post, she criticizes  various first mothers on their open adoptions- outlining the various discrepencies she sees in their open adoption arrangements. The mother whose family doesn't know her placed child exists, the mother who had another child and kept him only  a few years after she placed her firstborn. Her gushing love for her kept child is in stark contrast to the "coldness and emotional distance" she expresses to the child she placed.

         Though I am not 100% agreement with these observations, the post and succesive comments were quite interesting to me. Many of my fellow adoptees are sticking up for these children, highlighting the possible negative feelings they will experience when they realize that  they are a secret, when they see that their first parents are madly in love with their sibling and seemingly not them.
      I've been in both of those adoptees shoes. I was a secret for a long time- and I was born in the late 80's! I have a sister who is 1 year and 364 days younger than me. She was never a secret. Born under the SAME circumstances, she is the beloved child of her family- welcomed and treasured from the start.
Does that hurt? You bet it does. I reunited before I was a teenager, and spent many years of my childhood and adolescence trying to find the difference between my sister and I. Trying to figure out what made her wanted. She is my full sister- born 729 days after me. And I know that those 729 days are what made all the difference.
         I guess it comes down to this: what do our biological families owe us? If they promise an open adoption... are they required to tell their families about us? Is it their moral obligation to claim us as their children- in church, in schools, in family functions? Or should we just be happy that they want to know us at all? Should we, along with our adoptive parents, simply accept any crumb of acceptance that we are offered, or should we demand more?
         I know that I am less important than my sister. The given away child, I am painfully aware of my own inadequacy, of my inferiority within my biological family. I, the inconvienence and nasty surprise in their lives, have lived a separate existence. When I express my disappointment in the fact that many of my my biological relatives refuse to acknowledge me, I am told to count my blessings.
                 "at least some of them wanted to know you"
                 "at least you werent aborted"
                  "at least you have a good family that loves you. These people are extra"
     But thats not entirely true, is it? My parents gave me away. And that's a fact. As the unwanted child, am I less? Am I less deserving of my family's love and acceptance? Am I expected to make concessions, just naturally accept the fact that I am less loved, less special? The dirty little secret, the baby thrust from my family of origin.
      As adoptees, we are always expected to make sacrifices to compensate for the fact that our parents gave us to other families. These concessions come so naturally:

         "Well, of course you're less loved, of course you are loved in a different way than your siblings who were kept."
                "Well, it's normal that you are a secret. At least you're alive"
              "It's okay that your whole family doesn't accept you. It was a hard situation. Be happy you have a good family now who loves you."

Natural law and natural circumstances no longer apply to us. The given away children- we are held to different standards, offered different affections. Biology matters to everyone but us. Familial love and loyalty apply to everyone but us. It is natural for a mother to love her child- unless you're adopted. Then you should just shutup and take whatever crumbs your natural family throws your way.

reckoning.

I'm tired of the rationalizations. I'm tired of hearing that we shouldn't be angry, that we should be compassionate and try to understand the complexity and difficulty of the decisions made for us. I'm tired of being the perpetual infant. I'm pretty pissed- and it surprises me that other people aren't. Throughout my reunion, I've tried to be the happy adoptee. I've tried as hard as I can to incoporate both facets of my family  into my life- without minimizing or hurting either side. Both my adoptive parents have been gracious- respecting eachothers positions in my life all the while insisting that theirs is superior.  I have no relationship with my birthmother, but my birthfather and I enjoy a simple coexistence- a mundane sharing of facts and daily happenings of our lives- rarely discussing the reasons I call him by his first name instead of "Dad". I maintain a polite distance, feign an acceptable amount of disinterest. But here's what I'd like to tell him:

There is no excuse. There is no reason you could give me that convinces me that what you did was an admiral choice. I don't admire you, and I certainly don't thank you. Why should I be grateful? That you didn't force my birthmother into an abortion? That you gave me life and then gave me away? What? You picked good parents..thanks a lot. But being given away doesn't feel good- regardless of the fact that you gave me to good people. Stop creating babies that you don't want. Stop trying to claim any facet of my identity. Stop thinking of me "as your daughter". Because I'm not...at least not anymore. And you have no one to thank but yourself. I don't believe that adoption is a selfless option..I don't think its an admiral decision to be made  except in extreme cases. You had money, you had family, you had a house. What could have made you keep me? A few thousands dollars more in the bank? A son instead of a daughter?
I see what you have done a the ultimate betrayal- the breaking of a natural family and a natural law. Everyone says how they can't imagine living without their children, how they can't fathom giving a baby away. Why is it that you could do it? What makes you different than all of the other parents I've ever met?

You can tell me how much you love me until the day one of us leaves this earth. You can call, you can visit. You can be as cold or as loving as you want. I love you. I care about you very much. I never want to hurt you. Which is why I will never tell you that I will never forgive you. We do what we think is best in life. But I don't agree with the decision you made. I don't think you were nobel, I don't think you had my best interests in mind. You were 27 when I was born. I think you wanted your life back, your freedom, your youth. You got all that. Was it worth it? You kept my sister who was born 2 years later under the same circumstances. You remained unburdened for 2 years. Tell me- was it worth it?

Some people say I got a pretty good deal. And maybe thats true. I have a family who loves me, and relationships with birth relatives. After all, I could be nonexistent- a fetus tossed into the incinerator at an unknown hospital in the Bible Belt. I  could have been raised by assholes. I could have been raised by my drug addicted birth mother. Or I could have been like my sister... I could have been raised by you.

I love you. I think we will be in eachothers lives forever. I think this relationship is for life. But it is not natural, this bond we have. It is not what it was supposed to be. And although I am willing to make the best of the situation we find ourselves in... I can't help but look at you sometimes and wonder "why"? I can't help but be angry with the father who wanted me only after it was too late.