I remember one time a good friend of mine told me that she read while taking a shower. I laughed, and asked her why. Assuming that perhaps I had misheard her.
" Why Becky Traldi, why do you read in the shower?"
She answered me. Apparently, for her, showering is a time when her mind may freely wander. She didn't like where her mind went, and therefore read to keep herself from "over thinking" things that may complicate her life. Now I know for a fact that Miss. Traldi is indeed extremely intelligent. Therefore, one day, I brought my copy of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas into my daily(or twice daily, if I'm feeling especially dirty and wasteful) shower. Not only did I find nothing extraordinary about this experience , but.. my book got wet, the pages got wrinkly, and I became annoyed .
I do, however, give Becky credit for the theory. When you allow yourself to reflect in solitude, one of two things is bound to happen. You will;
A) Reflect on how wonderful your life is! You'll come to appreciate your family (and forgive their faults and misgivings) and you'll come to love your friends even more. You'll recognize that the past is the past, and isn't the future just dandy! You'll forgive Fido for pissing on your carpet because "Hey! its green..and looks like grass...anyone could make that mistake!"
or
B) You will come to look at yourself and your life on a less shallow note. You will contemplate the reasons for your peculiarities. You delve into the idiosyncrasies of your life in a vain attempt to figure yourself out, and figure out others around you, in order to prevent being disappointed, or hurt. And boy-oh- boy do you have a bad dog!
Because I am nowhere near perfect, and because my dog has not piddled the floor in many years, I opt for plan B. Not because I like it necessarily , but because I often worry and think myself into oblivion. It's because I'm used to it. It's because my parents are shrinks and have taught me that self examination is the first step to making things better.
And you know what really gets me going?
You know what problem I have in my life?
The fact that no body can agree on who they are in my life. Everyone wants the same thing. But I can't seem to give it to anyone.
Now, that may SEEM like an inconsequential trouble. But let my assure you, it weighs heavily on my mind more than one might imagine.
Dave argues nature over nurture. Blood over water. Giving life over living life.
" I feel the same way about you as I do Ellen" he says. " I wonder if you'll ever be capable of having such feelings for me"
Cindy , when referencing Kathleen , refers to her as "your mom" therefore confusing me into another demention every time she mentions " your mom's drug habit"
Kathleen calls me baby.
Ellen calls me sister (when she isn't wishing she could call me dead)
My life is a constant game of tug and war. One side is pulling furiously at my feet, as they want what they have always had from me.
The other is pulling just as hard on the other side, as they fight for something they haven't deserved, but think they are owed.
Loyalties get mixed up. My brain becomes confused. Everyone pulls on my very prominent heartstrings. I can't bear to disappoint anyone!
Only I end up disappointing myself. And .. inadvertently..everyone.
Showering can be dangerous.
