My brilliant birthmother found adoptive parents for her baby today.
Which I suppose is a nice thing. Something nice wrapped up in millions of layers of sad and pathetic and worrisome and disgusting and irresponsible.
She asked if Susie( my older birthsister) would come with her to meet these people face to face.
Susie declined, apparently saying "that shit is embarrassing"
If she had asked me ( don't worry-- she wouldn't dare) that would not have been my response. I still have some sympathy left for her. Miraculously.
This new circumstance is effecting everyone differently. Aussie, as always, coins Cee "an idiot" and is sensitive to mine and Nicole and Susies feelings. She only care how it effects us. Goliath thinks its pathetic. Susie is disgusted. Nicole is furious (typical Nicole, always so rash.) I, on the other hand, am none of those emotions. I'm sad. Incomprehensibly and gut-wrenchingly sad. It doesn't really make any sense either. Logically, it doesn't effect me in the slightest.
But on a less logical basis, I feel like throwing my hands up in desperation.. and then sobbing.
My family smothers me with love. I am my grandparents and parents favorite child/grandchild. I have everything I could possibly ask for. My parents have done nothing but give me affection since the day I began to live with them. But it doesn't matter how much love I am showered with.
I will always feel this deep, profound sense of loss and rejection and longing.
Nothing ever changes. Not since I've been a little girl.
When I was young, if my biological family was mentioned, I would stomp my feet and cry and close my eyes and shut my ears. You couldn't even mention their names to me. I would lose it. My parents various attempts at therapy were never successful. I had one woman..when I was around 8. I still remember her. She mentioned adoption to me, and I cried, ran out of her office ,and climbed a small pine tree outside of the building.
Thankfully, I've gotten past that slightly embarrassing stage.
I'll never get any closure. No one will ever give me what I want. And now, my birthmother is doing the same type of thing to someone else. She's done it before..and now shes doing it once more. Yet again. It shakes me to my core. My bones and joints are heavy with despondency.
She will never learn, thus all suffering was wasted.
