I've read a few posts recently- most of them discussing the fact that natural mothers and adoptees are equal, and that pain is pain..nomatter where it lands. Those who harp upon their own pain are told, in some of these posts, that adoption is not the worst thing that can happen.
I think that's a pretty fair statement. One must only look in the newspaper- any newspaper- to find stories of those who are worse off than us. It's not hard. Human suffering, sadly, is alive and well in our world. You can read about rape, murder, accidents, and tragedies. It puts being placed for adoption in perspective, doesn't it?
I don't think that adoption pain is more painful than other types of sadness. I don't think its the worst thing that can happen to an infant. I do, however, think that adoptee pain is unique. I think it is unique in many ways..one of them being that we don't have a reference point. We can never say "things were better before the accident" or, " our life was so much more full beforehand." Being adopted is our LIVES. It is our complete existence. I don't agree that adoptee pain is more valid than that of natural parents. But I do believe it's different.. I do believe that it is not comparable. I do believe that we are the major players in adoption.
We are the adoptees. We were relinquished, stripped of our original identities and robbed of the most natural of human knowledge. We were placed into adoptive families..some good, some bad. Everyone else in our stories had a hand to play. Adoptive parents who adopted us, and natural families who relinquished us. Nomatter what anyone says..I will never accept that the nature of choice is the same. That nobody had a say in any of it. As adoptees, we are the ONLY ones who were COMPLETELY and utterly at the whims of the adults in our lives. Mothers from the BSE had no choice, I acknowledge that. But their parents probably had a role in the placements of their grandchildren. Someone had to want it. Adoptees never got to want anything.
So yes.. I suppose that makes me a little biased. I suppose that makes me "unfair" or "insensitive." But I am an adoptee, and I advocate for adoptees. I do believe that we are the most important members of the triad. Not sentimentally- I don't think our FEELINGS matter more. But I think that the other members of the adoption community (adoptive and natural parents) play secondary roles. Because the point remains this: both natural and adotive parents played a ROLE in our adoption- but we are the ONLY ONES who were relinquished and adopted. We are the ones with no reference point, with no idea how the rest of the world functions within their families of origin. We just don't know how it feels to be a part of the family you were born into. And we will never know.. no reunion can fix that.
I am not a selfish person. It's not in my nature. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that I am an inherently altruistic person. I have never treated my natural family with anything but the utmost respect, love, and compassion. Never. Not once. Even though, frankly, some of them deserve to be smacked. I don't think that I'm the all mighty powerful adoptee, who can wreak havoc on my natural family's lives without consequence or regret. I don't think that. But I do think that I was the one who was placed, and I was the one who was adopted. I don't think its my job to make either set of parents feel good about what they have or haven't done. I am an adoptee...part of a small and often unrecognized minority group. We are the children of parents who gave us to others to raise. And I resent that ANYONE tells us that our positions within the adoption community are all equal. They are not. They have never been. Out of the three parts- only ONE of us has been placed for adoption and has had to live with that.
I think that's a pretty fair statement. One must only look in the newspaper- any newspaper- to find stories of those who are worse off than us. It's not hard. Human suffering, sadly, is alive and well in our world. You can read about rape, murder, accidents, and tragedies. It puts being placed for adoption in perspective, doesn't it?
I don't think that adoption pain is more painful than other types of sadness. I don't think its the worst thing that can happen to an infant. I do, however, think that adoptee pain is unique. I think it is unique in many ways..one of them being that we don't have a reference point. We can never say "things were better before the accident" or, " our life was so much more full beforehand." Being adopted is our LIVES. It is our complete existence. I don't agree that adoptee pain is more valid than that of natural parents. But I do believe it's different.. I do believe that it is not comparable. I do believe that we are the major players in adoption.
We are the adoptees. We were relinquished, stripped of our original identities and robbed of the most natural of human knowledge. We were placed into adoptive families..some good, some bad. Everyone else in our stories had a hand to play. Adoptive parents who adopted us, and natural families who relinquished us. Nomatter what anyone says..I will never accept that the nature of choice is the same. That nobody had a say in any of it. As adoptees, we are the ONLY ones who were COMPLETELY and utterly at the whims of the adults in our lives. Mothers from the BSE had no choice, I acknowledge that. But their parents probably had a role in the placements of their grandchildren. Someone had to want it. Adoptees never got to want anything.
So yes.. I suppose that makes me a little biased. I suppose that makes me "unfair" or "insensitive." But I am an adoptee, and I advocate for adoptees. I do believe that we are the most important members of the triad. Not sentimentally- I don't think our FEELINGS matter more. But I think that the other members of the adoption community (adoptive and natural parents) play secondary roles. Because the point remains this: both natural and adotive parents played a ROLE in our adoption- but we are the ONLY ONES who were relinquished and adopted. We are the ones with no reference point, with no idea how the rest of the world functions within their families of origin. We just don't know how it feels to be a part of the family you were born into. And we will never know.. no reunion can fix that.
I am not a selfish person. It's not in my nature. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that I am an inherently altruistic person. I have never treated my natural family with anything but the utmost respect, love, and compassion. Never. Not once. Even though, frankly, some of them deserve to be smacked. I don't think that I'm the all mighty powerful adoptee, who can wreak havoc on my natural family's lives without consequence or regret. I don't think that. But I do think that I was the one who was placed, and I was the one who was adopted. I don't think its my job to make either set of parents feel good about what they have or haven't done. I am an adoptee...part of a small and often unrecognized minority group. We are the children of parents who gave us to others to raise. And I resent that ANYONE tells us that our positions within the adoption community are all equal. They are not. They have never been. Out of the three parts- only ONE of us has been placed for adoption and has had to live with that.
