Smoke and mirrors...a message for my sister.

Well, it seems I’m an adoptee-masochist. 

I always ask for trouble.

I had been feeling guilty, lately, for not trying harder with my sister Nicole. My kept sister, the apple of our father’s eyes. I know that in pains him that we absolutely hate each other. So, I sent her a nice email- telling her my feelings on the subject, imploring the both of us to be mature, to work out our problems. Because we are sisters. I am her only sister,and she is mine. Let’s fight adoption, I said. Lets love each other despite the odds, lets put aside our 10 years of differences and let’s try and make it work.

Masochism at it’s best!

Her answer? A long list of everything I did wrong in the past 10 years. Most of which, I don’t even remember. Probably because I was 12 when it happened. And she was 9. Which makes me wonder how she remembers.

But I could deal with all of that. I could have written “I’m sorry for all the ways I’ve hurt you. I didn’t mean to do it.”

But she wasn’t finished yet.

“You remind me too much of our mother. I know that I have a part of her inside me too..but I’ve learned to control it. You remind me of her, you are just like her. And I don’t want to know anyone who is like her.”

WHAT?!?!

Let’s review a few of the facts.

I am working on a masters, I live abroad and pay my own rent. I have good friends who love me, who I’ve kept for decades. I have a wonderful relationship with both of my parents, with all of my living grandparents, and with my extended family. I am the favorite aunt, the most fun cousin. I have never been in any sort of trouble with the law. Not once. I have never smoked anything stronger than a cigarette (though, unfortunately, I smoke a lot of them). I haven’t so much as a fucking parking ticket. 

Our mother was a drug addict. She did crack, crank, every type of drug under the sun. She’s been in jail. She’s had her kids taken away from foster care. She is bipolar (which wouldn’t be an issue if she actually took her meds). She was an alcoholic, she was unstable 90% of the time. She kept promises she couldn’t keep, she emotionally abused every child who was left in her care. 

Lets talk about Nicole. Spoiled, fucked up, cruel. Chases away every boyfriend or fiance she's ever had with her absurd acidity. She is abusive and jealous. She does drugs. She is a super Christian who hates her own sister. She refuses to forget, let alone forgive. She has told me she hates me, that I will never belong in her family, that they only talk to me because they feel obligated. She fights, she is rude, she gets pulled over for much more than a parking ticket.  She likes to talk about our father using the word “my”. In capital letters. Like “MY father only talks to you because he feels guilty.” or “I’m not jealous with the relationship you have with MY dad”. She’s like my dog..peeing on things she wants to claim as her own.

I’m not perfect, people. In fact, I’d say that I’m pretty fucked up. I have issues, I have troubles. I see shards of our mother’s personality in myself...and it frightens me. But I see more of them in her. And thats even more troubling.

Nicole- here’s a message for you. I’m done. I give up. I hope one day you change your mind ( as our father insists you will). Not because I want to be your friend. I do not. But only because then I can tell you to go fuck yourself as you have told me. You are not my sister. You are nothing. You don’t deserve to know me. I would love you, treat you well, give you everything of myself...if only you’d let me. I’ve waited for you for years. The waiting time is over.  I have been passive, open, and have exposed my deepest feelings in the hopes that it would soften the hardness that you have within you.

But it’s only backfired. And now I’m done. I will never forgive you for what you have said. Our mother is many bad things, I’ll never deny it. But she is a compassionate soul. She is loving. She has her demons that she was unable to fight. But she LOVED. She had love in her heart.

The same cannot be said for you. You are no sister of mine.