There are the days of silence...

I think it's a little too late for me to go back. By telling D that I didn't want a relationship, I'm stuck in my decision. I wouldn't change it. No. I wouldn't crawl back to them like the piece of slime I feel I am. Nothing will have changed by then, and it would be ridiculous of me to go back and try and work things about because not only will it not work, I will have lost all credibility.

No, I have to stick to my guns, no matter how it hurts. Still...I can't help but think that I could have prevented this somehow. I could have done something, said something. What could I have missed? There's definitely some guilt here, as if I owed them something. I've been conditioned to think that I owe them indefinitely, for life or whatever. But I don't really believe that. My presence took out of their lives for a little while, and their chosen absence from my life took away from me(regardless of all the gains.) I think we are about even. Thanks for my life, and your welcome for those two years of peace you got before your next daughter was born. End of story, right?


I hope he never calls me. On some levels I want him to because I want to be wanted because I have never felt it from them. You can talk about self sacrificing love and selflessness until the cows come home but no one will be able to convince me fully that you can leave someone because you love them. I understand all the logistics behind it, and I can understand selflessness... but I just don't quite buy it. We do what we have to do when it serves us best. At the end of the day, we all look out first and foremost for ourselves. This rule of nature is supposed to be eradicated with parenthood but I don't believe that it is. Selfishness in this respect is easy to cover up, to hide, to excuse. Irresponsibility cloaked with good intentions is still irresponsibility. I don't place any blame, because it WAS for the best. Thank God I am who I am and my family is my family. I do not regret it, but the ends do not justify the means. Because my life worked out beautifully we can all rest on our laurels and preach about good decisions and best interests. My life is good because of the people who raised me, not because of the people who chose not too. Their loss is definitely felt, but blood is not everything and I have to remember that.

I know that I have to focus on school and my family and my friends and my life. I have so much going for me and I know that I should be thankful and I am... but I suppose on some level I still feel badly for how things ended. I guess only time will make that go away, but I sure wish it would speed up a little bit. I don't see any situation where I would ever need them again. I have all of the information I need, and I don't see a time in my life where I would be able to subject myself to a relationship. If E changes, that's one thing, but if she doesn't (I have a distinct feeling that she won't) when could I ever be mature/callous enough to not care about how she hates me? I just don't see that happening, and on some levels it makes me very sad.

I do know one thing though: we all make our decisions. D and C made theirs, D's parent make theirs, E made hers and I finally had the courage to make my own. We make our decisions and then we live with them.

There- absolved of all guilt. These next few months are going to take me farther and farther away from all this craziness. Time can't pass fast enough.

And if you sing this lullaby..

I am going crazy in this little room. The more I try to ignore it the more I fuck up.I am forever guilty and at fault.

The air is finally getting warm . It is 3AM, and I wish I could stay awake until 5:30 so I could go outside and listen to the birds as they wake up. When I was little and woke up at ungodly hours of the morning, I would go into the living room and look out my living room window and listen to the silence of the house. I could hear, outside in the trees beside the house, the birds chirping and singing to the dawn. The sky was mostly dark, but just as I would begin to drift off to sleep with my head on the back of the couch, the sky would turn pink. The trees, black against the tangerine and coral of the sky behind them, were still and the grass was slick with dew and everything smelled like rain.

I would run off the school bus into my fathers arms, and my mother would make salad and pesto for dinner. I'd collect little bugs and try and save the frogs we found outside my hot tub. I had an orange hippopotamus and my mom's green apron and my dad's large rings that he got when he graduated from college. I had opera while I took a bath and played with my lion figurines in the water. I listened to Billy Joel cassette tapes and watched the fish in the fish tank swim as I fell asleep.

Now I have 100 different places and things. I am school I am an apartment in New York I am Pennsylvania I am nowhere. I wear a lot of bracelets and rings and my hair is too short and my eyes never a distinguishable color. I am dirty fish tanks and stupid memoirs and different languages. I am never what I am. I am soy milk and white dogs and windowsills with the paint peeling off . I am arugula and rabbits with people names . I am not the very blood that runs through my veins but am powerless to change it.

I am blond and I am light and I am nobody's but everyone's at the same time. I am not wanted, I was but then I wasn't and then I was and then I was again. Now you can't have me and it's all your fault even though I don't believe that. I long to be my own and my children's, but I have not found them yet. I have questions and I am sailing on an emerald bay. I am never far away. I am not weak and I do not hide every two weeks and I am not afraid. I long to have a place to crawl back to.


I love you and you and you and you. You are great with the ducks, and you with the fish. I should love you both but I cannot do so freely and without regret, and I should be in love and I should be angry but I cannot find the strength to be one or the other.

I know that once I am seen I lose my appeal.

ahhh weariness.

There has never been a simpler way out. Spring break is fast approaching and I could never be more ready. I long to just blend into the familiar smells and noises and comfort of my home. Really, though, I just want to make a new home or go back to the old one, whenever it existed.


I'm embarrassed because I still can't shake it. I try to and I don't think about it but nothing helps. I tell myself that it doesn't matter and I guess on some level it doesn't. Then again at the same time it matters a whole lot and why can't I just fucking get over this bullshit.

I've sort of gotten used to the idea that I am going to need some sort of period, perhaps some sort of mourning period, to sort all of this shit out. I knew that I was going to need it but I've been so crazed with school that I haven't allowed myself to indulge.

Things have gotten easier just as I knew that they would but it doesn't seem to matter because nothing matters.

I'm tired and sleep deprived but I'm still almost happy. It's strange because I shouldn't be but I am.

I have no idea where I am going to school next year but that's okay . I tell myself that it's okay.


Nicolo Piovani makes me happy.

Light.

I have finally found the perfect solution. I think. In theory, it should work. I will put one in a situation where an ultimatum is necessary. And who doesnt love the ultimatem?Who doesn't love the opprotunity to truly spill it, tell it like it is? I know that, personally, I need this. Only the next few days will tell how we proceed. I am ready for whatever comes next. I think I am ready for whatever comes next.

Ecco, facciamo cosi'. Magari.

Amongst dogs and christmas shopping and tinsel and large trees and lights and suitcases and coral nail polish and chicken parmegano..lies my inability to make any decisions.

Send or don't send.

I have to think, but thinking get's me nowhere. I simply want to exist. In the midst of my empty, albeit productive day, is uncertainty and dread. All I am able to see is that it will never make me happy. I can't string together sentences.

The christmas tree is too big. The star is crunched against the ceiling, bended painfully,


Praise the odd, serendipitous world.

secondo mè "Back to life" hanno deciso di suonarlo in paradiso..

I haven't written in while, and I must admit that I found a strange pleasure in the fact that this blog is so fucking old, and never changes. The colors .. I mean. The layout. I've kept it the same for all of these years. It's refreshing that some things remain the same, even if they're only in cyberspace.

I checked to see if my sister was still a bitch the other day. I suspected she would be, and was not disappointed. She twisted the knife, so we say, and I'm not entirely certain that I'll be going back for more. A broken family, I am told. But where do I even fit in? Am I included? I've been taught so long that I have not been broken from one family, but joined into another. Dare I consider the other point of view? I despise her. If only because she represents everything ugly in myself. All of my negative feelings surrounding the issue are ...manifested in her little body. I am overcome with hatred . I am livid. I am on fire. And for what? Fuck them. If only I could say it, do it, act on it.

" GO TO HELL" I want to say " Thanks a lot guys, but you've done your part." . Could I be like tigger and say " ta-ta forever?" Leave them behind, and continue on. Not all of us have the option to opt out.

Even within less dramatic scopes, I find myself unable to let go. I have to stop writing letters ,calling, etc. Why do I bother? Why am I such a fucking pussy?


I want something profoundly different. But what? I want to go away, far away, and forget all of this shit. Form new memories so the old can wither and die on their own. No euthanasia necessary. I want fields and new languages and sunsets and old stone buildings, laced with moss and glazed with moisture. I want history and music and quiet. I want the city; smog filled air with people-filled streets. Lights, smells , and honking horns. Over boiled coffee and cigarettes. Everything is so romanticized, and sexualized. Who can sort through it all?



I want you two to split. I want you to ripen. And I want myself to shrink and grow.

Witchcraft anyone?

Nothing.

The smell of cherry reminds me of so many things. None of which I particularly feel like listing , or discussing in any great detail. My hands are soft in New Hampshire. What will this next year bring forth I wonder? So many things could happen, so many things could go wrong or go right. Who am I to presume which will be what?

I am tired of being how I am. Go , go , go , go , go!

Something that isn't there.

I want so many things and yet I do not want any of them. I love Chester, and I love its people and I love my new friends. It is surprising to me, which with all this love floating around, that I am so utterly and strangely …unsettled. Not even that. I am pleased and content where I am, but I know that this sense of security will never last long.
I must organize my life. December I will be in Italy. I must keep my wits about me. That’s all I can say. Why do I always expect the worst? I miss Daniela and I want to go see her in Bolivia. I have the time, and the money, and I certainly have the desire. But is it going to be beneficial? Or am I going to pick open a scab that has just recently crusted over. Gross.

I want to learn Spanish. Next summer I want to go to Guatemala for a month or so to…immerse myself. This also involves money. I’m not afraid.

Oh yeah, and this blog is shit. I never say anything interesting. Even that sentence was monotonous.
I start tomorrow.

writing to no one

I missed you today.
Seeing the damage you've done to others fills me with sadness ,but also an inexplicable relief that I have been spared. From you, essentially. Does that hurt your feelings?

Maybe I am feeling this way towards you because I am currently in the process of grieving other things. Picking up the pieces, finding myself, collecting and processing past moments and turning them into memories. How beautiful this is, the creation of memory. It's what we are left with when god takens something away, or so I read somewhere once. We nurture these memories, we dance with them.

The pillow you gave me is losing its scent. It smelled of really strong lavander, but now I find that I have to bury my nose in it to detect even a hint of its former glory.

I hear that you still have some invested interest in me. Occasionally you will ask about me, or ask for my number. What is it that you want?

I see others with theirs, and I am so....jealous. So envious of that which everyone I know takes for granted. I want to search in your face, and find something of myself in it. I want to crawl into your arms. I want to know that everything is going to be alright. Tell me please.

I know that it is impossible for us to have anything.

perdoname

I am harboring a fervent desire to escape.

I need to stop eating, and start school in two weeks.

I want to be happy again with what I have and what I've done and what I am.

I want time to pass.

College starts soon. Not soon enough.

Something wicked this way comes..

Neither good things, nor bad things, are currently gracing the crevices of my cerebellum.

Everything I am in nothing.

I'm want something to occur. But, as always, it seems that I am waiting for something that is has not intention of arriving. Distractiondistractiondistractiondistraction.

Metamorphasis.

I made a promise to myself, years ago when I started this blog, that I would write only the truth. Thus far, I've done a pretty good job of it , my biggest offences being only minor omitting of truths. But hey, if I can afford to omit in my own , private blog, whose business is it but my own? And for this entry, which could create significant problems if read by certain others, I would like to start out by saying that I am very often wrong, but sometimes I am right. And it should happen that when I have a hunch about something unpleasant, it often turns out to be dead on. And so it is with a significantly heavy, bored, exasperated heart, that I will share with cyberspace what I knew was coming all along.

I have tried my best. I do everything in my power to keep things happy. To keep connections going. To keep the beast alive, so they say. They also say that you can "bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." I have found that this is true. And as the days go by, I feel my "longing" lessening. I feel things that were once SO important to me becominng less and less so. Moments and snibbits of my life that I treasured so dearly, loved so strongly, are now slowly taking on the form of memory.

I have been trying to fight it.

That part of my life is over, but I didn't want it to be. I accepted that it was done, but at the same time I wanted something new and beautiful to grow out of it. We could never have the same moments again, but maybe we could build on them. Maybe we could make it better! I wasn't going to let the miles, and later, the years , affect relationships at all.

My efforts have been reciprocated enough, but slowly I am beginning to get the feeling that I am the last one hanging on. Perhaps its timing. Familial issues getting in the way of my "readjusment" and so I have not been able to assimilate myself quite as quickly. The bounceback has been more of a ..crawl back. But I am only now beginning to consider the possibility that maybe this is how it is supposed to be.

I will continue what I am doing. Letters, emails, phone calls, etc. But at the same time I have to prepare myself for the almost inevitable. The growing apart that people do. The distance that is not getting any shorter. And of course, the only thing we can all be sure of ; the time that will surely pass. I will take these moments, these months, these weeks, these heartaches and triumphs and confusions and these loves, and I will weave them into memory. Something to look back on when I am old. Something to love and nurture from afar. It never ends you know ,this love, it only changes; takes on new form and energy and meaning as time passes.


I am a small child, looking out of my bedroom window moments before dawn, looking out over the roof of the neighbor house. To my small eyes, it is a mountain. The colors change ; blue, to purple , to pink, to orange. Sunrise approaches. The world awakes.

waterslides.

I've discovered recently that my main emotions, at least lately, are those of anger and boredom. Which , in my opinion, is an absolutely deadly combination. Because when I am bored, I think, and upon doing that, I get mad.

I feel as if nothing is happening. nothing bad, nothing good, nothing nothing nothing. I am a blob of useless and ridiculous energy. In rarely accomplish anything, and when I do, I get impatient with myself for not immediately accomplishing something else. I don't know where I want to be. I certainly dont know with whom I want to be (as if that could ever be easy) , and I am fairly sure that i am going insane. Slowly. So slowly in fact that no one is noticing, because I am a good faker of sanity. I talk and walk and smile and discuss extra long sheets for my dorm room, and sicilian cooking, and dog hiccups. But really, not belonging anywhere is driving the cheese off the cracker.

I want something so good to happen. Everyone tells me how much fun they are having, how many things they are doing, and what am I doing? I want something good to happen, so all of this seems like a distant piece of nothing. I want to go to bed late, so i wake up late in the morning. So my day is half gone!

The mind has mountains.

What will the summer bring forth, I wonder? Everyone , including myself, is growing up. Moving on, going away, traveling, etc. I feel left out even though I am not. I want to have a lot of fun, because with fun and distraction, time comes more quickly. And with time, perspective. Which I want very, very desperately.


Off to be social!


i am an artichoke.

Ci troverà la sera....

Slowly, and painfully, I am readjusting to my life in America. No longer do I wake up in the morning, expecting to be burned intensely by the Sicilian sun. I don't cry anymore, or long to get my ass back onto the plane and speed my way back to Sicily, back "home". Home is here now, and I've accepted it. Now I need only make it real for myself. But with the beautiful reality that my life is progressing, and that I am someone new, there is also the reality that something extraordinary has ended.


My time in Italy was the most trying and beautiful of my life. Hands down. It was not all sunshine and roses and puppies, but what is? I've loved more passionately, and hurt more intensely, than ever before in my life. And so to enter that life was the best decision I've ever made. To leave it, the most heart-shattering. Its embedded in my mind. I stood with my suitcase, munching on a little apricot cake thing. I stood leaning on the bright lime green of my suitcase, listening to my friends talk about something. I cannot remember exactly what at the moment. I had cried on the bus ride there, in the dark, at 3AM, with Daniela the Bolivian girl sprawled across my lap, sick and nauseous. She told me that she was going to miss me very much and then she sort of...crawled on top of me, and slept. She slept, and I cried, because I had grown so attached to her in the past year, and the leaving part of our friendship, the only part we could have foreseen, was approaching all too quickly. And so I stood, with my suitcase, waiting. And the moment that the Bolivian's flight was called, I began to weep. She hugged , told me not to cry, and was gone. I went to my other friend from Honduras for comfort, which she gave. Crying too. And then it was my time to go. And so I did, and here I am. Re-assimilation sucks. my year is done my year is done my year is done. time to move on move on move on move on move on. Grow up grow up grow up. Learn learn learn learn learn. ANDRO' AVANTI! I will always go forward, but it gives me still a feeling of great , powerful sadness to look back. But also , one of extraordinary satisfaction and joy. Which to feel in completion is something I'll have to wait for. My friend Erica's deaf cat named Ice wants to comfort me with his fuzziness. I owe it to my soul to allow him, in all his fuzzy glory, into its crevices. Home never felt so bittersweet.

Nobody expects the spanish inquisition.

I knew it was going to be rough.

I knew, and yet I wasn't prepared.

I am content, and I feel as if no time has passed.

And yet , there is a whole chapter of my life that I cannot name or catagorize or explain.

I want to wake up tomorrow morning, and die of Sicilian heat. I want to shower in my shitty bathroom in the basement, I want to go to the beach and get burnt , I want to talk to Daniela and take walks in the Piazza. I want to be there,but I know that I must be here. Not only be here, but WANT to be here, because there is no other road to take.

I have so many good things happening right now, none of which I can enjoy because I am still not 100% here.

I am very sleepy, and I still need to wash my face.

What will the next days bring forth I wonder?

Absense makes the heart grow fonder, weaker, and more prone to sentimental hooey.

my chest aches.

Between the Wanting and the Getting

The reality is finally setting in.

Piano, piano. Slowly. Slowly.

Slowly, and ever so painfully.

And yet, even with the realization that I truly am leaving in 4 days, I have yet to fully..feel it.

Oh I’ve felt something, sure; pinpricks of soreness and little previews of the severe anguish that is sure to occupy the next few days of my life. But to be honest the authenticity that I will, in fact, be boarding a plane in Switzerland whose wheels will touch upon the pavement at JFK international airport in NYC is something that I cannot yet comprehend. Or perhaps I am reacting upon human instinct, and avoiding those agonizing thoughts for as long as I can.

I cannot…imagine what those last moments are going to be like when I am in Rome before I board the bus to go to the airport. That will be the moment I leave my friends from Intercultura, to embark on my long, stressful journey home.
I will cry. This is a certainty. Even as I am writing now, I feel my chest tightening, the first signals of tears that are sure to arrive. If now, I am feeling the beginnings of snuffles, what will it be like when I actually have to say goodbye? I will moan , and cry, and hug until arms are sore and I have to force myself to let go.

It will be especially difficult , I think, for me to leave Daniela, who I’ve grown to love with such fierceness. I’ve seen her every day for a year. She has been such.. a crutch in my life. A crutch in the sense that if I need something to lean on, there she is. Strong, solid, and dependable. I’ve been with her nearly every day, and it will be an adjustment to find my day, suddenly, without her in it. The attachments formed during periods of difficulty are the strongest. And so, saying “adios” to my dear Bolivian friend, is something I am dreading.

I can write, and reflect, and dread and anticipate, but nothing will prepare me for the near future. And this future that I speak of…it is coming all too fast. I am not prepared. I am not ready. And there is nothing I can do to make myself such. I am entering uncharted territory.

Saying goodbye makes me too nervous, so I’m going now to buy a suitcase with Daniela, and then we will watch movies at my house.


I am so sun burnt, you could boil an egg on my thigh.

my back is a desert, and the coyotes are tickling me with their tails.

My back really itches. So much, in fact, that I want to take some sort of medieval blow torch and sear the skin off my shoulders and upper back.

dont thinkabout it dont think about it dont think about it dont thinkaboutitdontthinkaboutit.

I smell like papayas. So much in fact that I want to take a huge bite out of myself.
Not really.

I also cannot write anymore. have you noticed? every word that shoots out of my fingers is dull, and every . and , and ! and ? is meaningless and tired and trite.

scratchscratchscratchscratch....


i want the future so badly.

change makes me nervous and anxious and sad and happy and insane.

which makes getting to future a little bit difficult.


FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have solved for "x"

Dear You,

Okay, so I’ve decided that I am right, and you are wrong. You may think that this is stupid, and that I am a selfish, ungrateful, pretentious child who cannot possibly understand anything. But I understand more than you will ever know. This is the life you chose for me, and now, the life that I choose for myself. May I highlight, for you, the word “choice”? Read it. See it. Understand it. Can you feel the anger radiating off me? You will not unwittingly insult me anymore, and degrade what I have. What you gave to me. What you would have to pry from my arms if you ever thought to take . It is not second best. It is the only thing I’ve ever had. It is not inferior . It is what I want. When I am 18, I will not come to live with you. I will not undo your mistake. I will not help you work past it . I will not help you reconcile with yourself. I understand how you feel, and I cannot fathom doing what you did, but it is not my responsibility. It is not my burden to carry. I will not feel guilty for loving what I have. I will not feel sorry for you for being irresponsible. Or maybe you were responsible, and now regret what you have done and want peace. But I have no peace to give. You can accept your role in my life, as it is now. Or, you can get out of my life. Simple as that. Simple as pie. I’ve worked very hard in my life as not to feel that I am nothing. I belong where I am. Non sono una figlia di un cane, una figlia di un preservativo rotto.

Love,
Me

Surprised by Gravity

I am at a loss for what to do.

I thought that I had all my answers. I had every fibre and filament inplace, ready to be built upon, ready to be rested and laid upon. But now that they have dissolved, broken into nothing, I find that I am very much without a place to sit. Without a place to breathe or relax or settle down and rest my tired, tired head.

I'm going home soon. Which fills me with a dread and a comfort that I cannot explain. There was never a debate about if it would be difficult. The only question that remains is how difficult it will be.

savemesavemesavemesavemesaveme.

the kitchen walls recieve my sigh.

I don't know what to say to anyone. I have nothing to say . There is nothing to say or to do or to make or to feel. I don't have anything to say to my parents, or to my best friend, or to my grandparents, other than how much I want to see them. I have so much to do. Italy, Rome, going home, parties, NYC, college, college college. And I should be happy. I should be excited about my future, just like everyone else is. But all the looking forward I have to do is destroying me . All I want to do is crawl into bed( I'm not even sure which...) and listen to my iPod and cry and cry and cry until my cheeks are raw with salt and whatever else is in tears, and until my chest is tight and my eyes are burning and my head is throbbing. Then I will sleep, and wake up, and find everything how I've left it. Whatever my everything is.

I comfort myself with the knowledge that affection is only a habit.

I want everything and nothing. I believe in everything in nothing. I am everything, and nothing.