I cannot imagine what it is like to not be adopted. Living and being a part of a biological family is something I will never know.
I cannot imagine not growing up in New York, not speaking Italian, not loving opera and having the family I have. I can’t imagine having different parents, different friends, a different accent, or different experiences. I can’t imagine living a life different from the one I am.
The reality that I almost did is astonishing and disturbing to me.
I do not like being adopted. This makes me unpopular. I know that being adopted changed everything. I know that the outcome would have been very different had I remained with my biological family. Of course, I can only speculate- but I am almost positive that I am better off where I am. Everyone tells me this. I believe it. I know it.
Why doesn’t that make me feel any better?
I want to grow out of these feelings. My whole life, I assumed that adoption would become less and less important to me as I grew older. As a child it was important because I was curious. I thought that by the time I hit this age I would have already worked through all of my feelings.
The thing about adoption is that you never get over it. I tried having contact with my biological family, and I tried not having contact. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried journaling, crying, rejoicing, praying, and I’ve tried pretending it doesn’t exist. Nothing I do is giving me that magic sense of peace. Sometimes I feel happy- I feel blessed because of my wonderful family, and blessed that my birthparents had the sense not to attempt to raise me. Other days I feel this loss- this ambiguous feeling of sadness. I don’t so much grieve my biological family- because logically I know that being separated from them was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
That is what makes me sad. How can I even say that? I am ashamed. I care very deeply for my birthfather- how can I say that I am better off without him? I am embarrassed even as I type the words. The knowledge that the worst thing that has ever happened to me was simultaneously the best is absolutely the most mind-fucking emotion there is.
I try to escape my pain with rationalization. I have an amazing life. I really, really do. 6 out of 7 days a week-adoption does not cross my mind. I am out and about- living my life and loving my family and friends and traveling and taking my dog for walks. I will do almost anything to escape my loss.
I will rationalize and rationalize until I arrive at moments like this when my emotions overpower my intellect.
I feel stupid for feeling this way. I feel unappreciative and neglectful. I feel like being sad over this makes me less of a person- less deserving of respect. I feel like I need to just shut up and be grateful and love what I have. I feel like I am grieving nothing.
My life is amazing. I love my family. I love my city , my dog, my house, my friends, my bed my school my everything. Why isn’t that enough for me?
The realization that this loss I feel will never go away is only beginning to dawn on me. With all this joy in my life- who am I to not be joyful?
1 commento:
First, thank you for following my Blog. I just read over a few of your posts and want to let you know there are so many adoptees out there that share many of your feelings. I too, go back to these thoughts time and time again. For me,I feel guilty if I don't think of 'them' and feel 'crazy' when I do. In some respect, they are like ghost..others may listen to you at times but in reality, the people in your life are very much removed from 'your' situation. They don't know what it is like to be adopted nor have that connection to your birth family. You feel, It is a world that only belongs to you. And if you do speak of them, others may tend to say,'well aren't you glad you are here." Or feel 'bad' for you. And for me, I never wanted that. To talk about 'your past' never seems to be 'an ordinary thing'. Like how you wake up everyday and say hello to your family and converse about whatever. It is somewhere you visit usually alone. I think it is great that we can share our experiences and give hope and hopefully grow from our shared experiences but you know..all our stories are truely unique to US INDIVIDUALS. And in some respect...IT IS A COOL THING. IT IS WHO WE ARE..AND IT IS WHAT WE DO WITH IT.
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