This picture was taken the first time I ever had a visit with my birthfamily. I was not yet a teen when this photo was taken ( and apparently I had never cut my hair??). I saw them many times after that ...but it has now been 5 years since I saw them last. I speak to my birthfather often, and it is very possible that I will see him this summer. Due to my impending move out of the country, he and his wife (not my birthmother ) have expressed interest in seeing me, always indirectly. The other day, he finally came right out and suggested it. A week or so would be perfect, he said.. in early June- just as the weather in his state is becoming intolerable- the relative cool of New York City would be a welcome retreat. He would come for a week or so, stay in a hotel near my house with his wife and daughter, my birthsister. I know that he has asked to come to me because I would not be welcome at their home. His mother, now old and frail after the death of her husband, lives near them- and I know that she doesn't not want to have to face me again before she leaves this earth. She prefers to leave me, along with the mistakes of her son, behind.
I could make up an excuse. I will be busy this summer. Between embassy visits, packing, organizing, studying and apartment browsing- my summer is fairly packed. It would not be a lie to say I cannot fit it in. I could politely decline, make half hearted promises about a visit in a year or two, when I return to the USA. I could escape- leave the country and return to my haven amongst the olive trees and the blood red oranges. I could bathe my feet in the warm waters of the sea, lie on the sand and walk on the stones of a country where I am free--untangled from the short life that I lived before the one I have now. I could escape without ever having to look my past in the face.
I've been avoiding them for years, evading this moment as cleverly as I could- shoving them farther and farther behind me, eager to leave them behind. I understand my grandmother's dilemma- it can sometimes be so tempting to bury the ones who have hurt us, to distance ourselves from the loves that failed us.
I wear my anger comfortably now- the cast out child, the one who, for better or for worse, has to look in from the outside. How would it be to take off my anger for a while, to expose myself? I have reified them- conceptualized them to the point of mere entities. The members of my birthfamily are not real people to me anymore. Ghosts now, they roam outside the peripherals of my life. How would it be, now, to see them in the flesh? My flesh. To look again into the eyes of people whose faces mirror my own, to reunite with the clan to whom I can never fully belong?
The idea terrifies me. They want to see me, they say. Just once more before I leave the country again, just once more before I become virtually in-findeable. I know that their intentions are good, I know that my birthfather wants to see me so badly. I don't understand his love for me, though I find it flattering. But this love that I have not earned, that I perhaps do not deserve, makes me uneasy. I feel guilty for having such a hold on him. How can he want to see me so badly? What is this connection between us? I feel guilty for this nonreciprocating devotion, the eagerness in his voice when we talk about a possible visit. My own hesitance.
I could make up an excuse. I will be busy this summer. Between embassy visits, packing, organizing, studying and apartment browsing- my summer is fairly packed. It would not be a lie to say I cannot fit it in. I could politely decline, make half hearted promises about a visit in a year or two, when I return to the USA. I could escape- leave the country and return to my haven amongst the olive trees and the blood red oranges. I could bathe my feet in the warm waters of the sea, lie on the sand and walk on the stones of a country where I am free--untangled from the short life that I lived before the one I have now. I could escape without ever having to look my past in the face.What should I do?
6 commenti:
No great words of wisdom for you, Amanda. Just sending healing energy to you.
Best and peace.
Maybe your question was rhetorical but on the chance you are really looking for the perspectives of your readers I offer this.
I think I would advise my son or tell myself to look inside and ask and answer some questions.
I think I would first and foremost try and figure out if there would be a possibility of regret, either way. Seeing him or not seeing him. It feels very calm and reassuring to be without regret.
I would ask myself if I was seeing him out of obligation, a sense of duty or loyalty. I would then ask myself if this person was worthy of my loyalty. Was my feeling of obligation really an unnecessary feeling of guilt for doing what would make me happier? Or for not doing what others think they would give anything to do?
I'd ask why it is that I might not want to see him. Do I like him? As a person? Is it a struggle to converse and if so, why? Are there ways I'd rather be spending my time in the last days of my experience in this country?
And then, I'd ask myself the reasons why I might consent to the visit. I'd try and determine if all the reasons are coming from a place of guilt instead of reasons that are of some benefit to me, as well as him.
It's tough for me to think of very many reasons why adopted persons should feel guilt when it comes to their biological families, not that that stops us or means we don't, but we don't have to let it control what we do.
Amanda, for what it's worth, I think you should do what you want to do and what will be the least likely to leave you feeling regretful. Here's hoping they're one in the same!
Are you looking for advice? If so, I say go for it. Seeing them could be a good thing- how could it not be? They are your natural parents. They only want the best for you and would prolly treat you good. Stay grounded and make sure to take space for yourself, but if it's your last chance for a couple years- my advice is to go for it. It would make them very happy I think.
My opinion, as a reunited adoptee who's parents rarely if ever want to see me..
Run away..as fast as you can. LOL
In all honesty, if it makes you feel bad and old feelings will resurface, maybe you shouldn't. On the other hand if it will make your dad happy and you won't suffer after..go for it.
Linda
I think that you DO want to see them. You just don't want to have to deal with all of the feelings (especially the 'hurt' ones) that a visit and face-to-face time would bring. Let's face it, visits bring so much emotional crap.
Ok, so I don't necessarily practice what I preach, lol...but I offer you this. I ask myself this, too.
Will you regret not visiting with them?
Ask yourself seriously. And if on any level the answer would be 'yes', then you have your answer. And I don't want to be dramatic...but life is short, complicated and sometimes hurtful...and what if something happened to either one of you, while you are away - would you regret not seeing your birthfather?
Is any of your hesitation in regard to seeing your sister? (This is the difficult one, yes?)
I dunno, girl. I know your heart and I know your thoughts and feelings and have experienced them too. Just pray on it. Toss it around. Don't see them because you feel you HAVE to. Only do it because you want to.
xo
don't understand his love for me, though I find it flattering. But this love that I have not earned, that I perhaps do not deserve, makes me uneasy. I feel guilty for having such a hold on him. How can he want to see me so badly? What is this connection between us? I feel guilty for this nonreciprocating devotion, the eagerness in his voice when we talk about a possible visit. My own hesitance.
Wow. So reminds me of another twenty something adoptee I know. This really hit me.
I hope you have children some day (if you want them). You may finally understand the love a biological parent has for their child.
As long as you dont see them, you hold the power in the relationship. You make yourself the prize, the coveted item, the one in control of their happiness and yours.
If you see him, you risk losing that control. Maybe you wont be such a valuable prize anymore if they really got to see you and know you. Maybe you would just be a regular person to them subject to all those regular birthfamily behaviors. Conversely, maybe you would also be less valuable to your adopted family. More like the birthfamily that is so unacceptable. Easier to hang between the branched of a broken family tree rather than swing from side to side, no?
Clearly I am speculating. I have no idea what you should do, what you should feel (and dont let anyone tell you!) but I find your situation rather intriguing, the way you express it evey more so, and look forward to learning what you decide to do. (Should you decide to share it)
Finally, I agree with Laurel. See them becuase you want to not because you feel obligated or like you are doing them some favor. I would personally despise that. Akin to a hostile witness. I would rather my daughter never met me if my only other option was for her to fake it or act as if she was doing me some big charitable favor.
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