Back when we didn't get along, my bio sister Nicole loved to tell me how much our parents loved her.
She was born to the same parents a little over 2 years after I was, under the same conditions. Our father was still working on launching his own business, our mother still had some problems, and they still weren't married. They were in their mid twenties when I was born, and their late 20's when Nicole was born. ikBut while my birth was a family crisis- all members fighting over how to best handle "the problem"- she was welcomed. While my birthfather adamantly refused to raise me, he raised Nicole as a single father when our mother skipped town. 2 years later. She was kept and I wasn't. And Nicole knows it.
She grew up knowing that she had a sister, and met me for the first time when she was 9 years old. I don't know what our parents told her about why they gave me away. I don't know how she was raised in the years before I came back. But I do know that she has always been told she was special. And she is. She is the adored granddaughter, the favorite cousin, the apple of her fathers eyes. Raised essentially without a mother, she is definitely daddy's little girl.
I wonder what it's like to be kept. I wonder what its like to have a sibling who was given up for adoption. How does that affect ones sense of self, or self esteem? How does it feel, I wonder, to know that your parents gave your brother or sister away?
I wonder what is different between Nicole and me. What made my father want to step up when he saw her, and not when he saw me? I wonder what made them keep her and not me. I've asked a few times... but I never can get a straight answer. And maybe there isn't one.
Logically I know that it has nothing to do with me or Nicole as people. I was an inconvienant baby and she wasn't- it's as simple (or as complicated) as that. Had she been born first- she'd have been placed for adoption. But I still was envious of her. I would see her with her family, with our grandparents, our father, our cousins. And she just..belongs there. She didn't have to "reunite" to know her family. She is a part of them, a cherished member of the group. She has not had an easy life. Not by a long shot. But at the end of the day- her family is there for her. At the end of the day, at least she can say that.
I've reunited. I didn't even have to search ( semi open adoption). And so I am always hesitant to complain. Because, hey! I know who they are, I know where I came from, I've seen them in person and I've spent lots of time with them. And a lot of adoptees can't even say that. They allowed me back into their family...at least partially. And I should be grateful.
But I'm kind of not. It's like being invited to someones house and then getting left out on the porch. I'm there, of course, looking in the window. And it feels good to be able to observe, to be able to see what their lives are like. But at the end of the day, there is still that piece of glass separating us. There is always that window.
Nicole and I get along pretty well now. She hated me for a long time. She was not ready to share her family or her dad. Only now is she realizing that I can never take her place. Not even if I wanted to. But now she's older, I'm older. And slowly, we are creating a sort of fragile co-existence. But even now, I am wary. I always remember the times she told me how happy she was that HER dad kept her, that he loved her more, that she was special and that I wasn't- thats why they gave me away. On some level, I guess I still believe her.
10 commenti:
"She is a part of them, a cherished member of the group. She has not had an easy life. Not by a long shot. But at the end of the day- her family is there for her. At the end of the day, at least she can say that."
Yes... this is how I feel about my half sister who is 4 years younger than me. Also conceived out of wedlock and I'm told the only reason they married was because our mother didn't want to be forced to lose another child to adoption.
"It's like being invited to someones house and then getting left out on the porch. I'm there, of course, looking in the window. And it feels good to be able to observe, to be able to see what their lives are like. But at the end of the day, there is still that piece of glass separating us. There is always that window."
I'm so there. Every time I've gone to see them (no, with the exception of my half sister they have never come to see me even when invited to my wedding), it has been this way. My husband even noticed it when we took time out of our honeymoon to go see them because I wanted him to meet them and them to meet him. When we left he wanted to know why we bothered.
I can really related to this post. There is a separation I feel from my extended family because of my being in the foster care system and because of the secrets kept and lies that were told about it.
I also feel it with my Father and my sbrothers, they were kept save, cared for and worth the effort. If I am included in anything to do with family it is as a spectator.
In some strange way your sister probably has you to thank for being kept. Her being kept probably has to do with your father’s pain and shame than her “specialness.”
"I was an inconvienant baby and she wasn't- it's as simple (or as complicated) as that."
Yes. I feel the same way at times- like Im straddling both of my worlds, but do not have a good footing in either of them. It's as simple or as complicated as that. Or, simply complicated, lol.
"It's like being invited to someones house and then getting left out on the porch. I'm there, of course, looking in the window. And it feels good to be able to observe, to be able to see what their lives are like. But at the end of the day, there is still that piece of glass separating us. "
Oh yes. I get that feeling well.
"In some strange way your sister probably has you to thank for being kept. Her being kept probably has to do with your father’s pain and shame than her “specialness.”"
I think Sunday has something here for sure. I imagine for some kept siblings there could also be some guilt, kind of like survivor guilt.
I tried to picture what it would be like to be a kept kid, but, it's impossible. I'd like to think I'd be decent to any sibling, full or half, especially if they were as nice as you!
Has your sister ever been with you with your adoptive family?
Just Me: Thanks for dropping by! :) The situation with your bfam makes me really sad/irritated. It's like : if you don't want a relationship with us, don't do us a favor and give us a half-hearted welcome. I had a few family members do that do..and even as a young teenager I saw right through it.(I was about 14 by the time I met the rest of the family). I'm sorry you got treated that way..
Sunday: I really appreciate your comment. First of all because you understand these feelings, and second of all because you reminded me of what I consider to be basically the truth: had I not been placed for adoption, chances are my sister wouldn't have been born, let alone kept. I too feel like Nicole was "worth the effort" and I wasn't. And its a really shitty feeling.
Linda: Yup, I'm straddling both worlds too. I belong to my adoptive family in a way that I can never belong with my birthfamily, and I am connected to my birthfamily in a way that I can never be with my adoptive family. Oh the joys of being torn in two. Thanks for stopping by, Linda. I always appreciate your input.
Mei Ling: ((HUG)) I know that you know the feeling all too well.... I'm always curious about your relationship with your sibling in Taiwan. From what I read, they seemed almost passive and uninterested, while my sister was ready to tear me to pieces for "disrupting" her family. I wonder what makes people react differently
Campbell: I don't know that my sister felt any sort of guilt. Especially because she disliked me so intensely for so long. The best word to describe her attitude was "smug". I try to understand her- because I imagine if I found out tomorrow that my adoptive father had a long lost daughter, I don't know how I would react. I think I would be jealous if she came back into the picture. I, too, am "daddys little girl", the only daughter. So when I am overcome by anger towards my sister, I try and put myself in her place. And yes, she has met every member of my extended family as well as both my parents. They came for Thanksgiving one year (or was it Christmas?). Either way, yes- she knows all of them, and they all know her. Even my friends know her!
carisoprodol fioricetfioricet generic
The practices were instructed to be financial competition and to have rare stability, although they could be associated by subject sponsors.
all members fighting over how to best handle "the problem"- she was welcomed.
I hate this kind of situation. My niece was born two years after my daughter, my sister was not married BUT the father did eventually marry her. That child was welcomed, loved, lauded as the first born grandchild.
Not so for me and my daughter.
Stings. I still feel like my entire family is a fraud. Its all based on lies. How can they call her the first when she is not? And then at times I dont care because my daughter doesnt care either, so why should I?
After believing that adoption was the best choice for myself and my daughter, the reality was very different and I knew I would never go through that loss again (I was not living in the closed era, I had choices).
AS for my kept child, she was sad for many years that she has a big sister who doesn't want anything to do with her and still doesn't. She dreamed of having a relationship with her sibling and it seems it will never happen. My daughter is welcome in my family but doesn't want to know us. It is simply complicated. wish I had known the truth about adoption 21 years ago.
This is my worry at times for my child. We adopted our child from foster care when they were five and over the years, we opened the adoption. They had some past connections, especially to younger siblings (one was adopted by a local family but the youngest was kept).
Am I harming them by letting her have that glimpse of the life they might have had?
The TPR was voluntary, the firstmom simply couldn't handle the circumstances and kids. We came into the picture through CPS after the TPR was signed so we had no part of that. She's doing what appears to be an ok job with the youngest child but the stories people tell me scare me about the neglect too.
My child came from dire circumstances and little resources. Here they have all the resources they needs here and a loving family but we are not their biological family, we are not the people those first connections were formed with. I'm honest about that. However, I love this child more than life itself and our long hard battle with the challenges has been one of the most rewarding journeys of my life. This child is growing into a remarkable young person that we are privileged to love and live with.
Some days I worry I'm not doing enough to keep those connections open but other days I'm worried that even the partial views are harmful. Do not think I'm some AP looking for ways to close this adoption - this was our choice because it DID give our child a sense of peace about those people left behind. Those were grave concerns for them. Alleviating them was a huge step in allowing our child to be present.
I'm being vague because so often people get attacked online in the adoption triad discussions. I really just want to talk to people who are or have been through this and want to have a thoughtful dialogue.
Posta un commento