reckoning.

I'm tired of the rationalizations. I'm tired of hearing that we shouldn't be angry, that we should be compassionate and try to understand the complexity and difficulty of the decisions made for us. I'm tired of being the perpetual infant. I'm pretty pissed- and it surprises me that other people aren't. Throughout my reunion, I've tried to be the happy adoptee. I've tried as hard as I can to incoporate both facets of my family  into my life- without minimizing or hurting either side. Both my adoptive parents have been gracious- respecting eachothers positions in my life all the while insisting that theirs is superior.  I have no relationship with my birthmother, but my birthfather and I enjoy a simple coexistence- a mundane sharing of facts and daily happenings of our lives- rarely discussing the reasons I call him by his first name instead of "Dad". I maintain a polite distance, feign an acceptable amount of disinterest. But here's what I'd like to tell him:

There is no excuse. There is no reason you could give me that convinces me that what you did was an admiral choice. I don't admire you, and I certainly don't thank you. Why should I be grateful? That you didn't force my birthmother into an abortion? That you gave me life and then gave me away? What? You picked good parents..thanks a lot. But being given away doesn't feel good- regardless of the fact that you gave me to good people. Stop creating babies that you don't want. Stop trying to claim any facet of my identity. Stop thinking of me "as your daughter". Because I'm not...at least not anymore. And you have no one to thank but yourself. I don't believe that adoption is a selfless option..I don't think its an admiral decision to be made  except in extreme cases. You had money, you had family, you had a house. What could have made you keep me? A few thousands dollars more in the bank? A son instead of a daughter?
I see what you have done a the ultimate betrayal- the breaking of a natural family and a natural law. Everyone says how they can't imagine living without their children, how they can't fathom giving a baby away. Why is it that you could do it? What makes you different than all of the other parents I've ever met?

You can tell me how much you love me until the day one of us leaves this earth. You can call, you can visit. You can be as cold or as loving as you want. I love you. I care about you very much. I never want to hurt you. Which is why I will never tell you that I will never forgive you. We do what we think is best in life. But I don't agree with the decision you made. I don't think you were nobel, I don't think you had my best interests in mind. You were 27 when I was born. I think you wanted your life back, your freedom, your youth. You got all that. Was it worth it? You kept my sister who was born 2 years later under the same circumstances. You remained unburdened for 2 years. Tell me- was it worth it?

Some people say I got a pretty good deal. And maybe thats true. I have a family who loves me, and relationships with birth relatives. After all, I could be nonexistent- a fetus tossed into the incinerator at an unknown hospital in the Bible Belt. I  could have been raised by assholes. I could have been raised by my drug addicted birth mother. Or I could have been like my sister... I could have been raised by you.

I love you. I think we will be in eachothers lives forever. I think this relationship is for life. But it is not natural, this bond we have. It is not what it was supposed to be. And although I am willing to make the best of the situation we find ourselves in... I can't help but look at you sometimes and wonder "why"? I can't help but be angry with the father who wanted me only after it was too late.