I've been thinking a lot lately about the balance of power in reunions, and the notions that we all "owe" one another.
I cant tell you how much that irritates me. As a disclaimer, I will say that I am very much in favor of respect, cordiality, and common human decency within reunions. I think that in order for a reunion to function, both adoptees and natural parents must treat eachother with mutual respect, understanding, and compassion.
But the notion that the planes are equal is absurd. Of course its not equal. I believe, and am not afraid to say it, that I think adoptees SHOULD hold the cards in regards to reunion. Why? It's simple. Someone decided to place us for adoption...if not directly our parents, our grandparents. The decision to expel us from our families was made by someone. To every decision there is a consequence. And one of them, in my opinion, is that the adult adoptee will get to choose whether or not to include their biological families in their lives. In reunion, I believe that we finally are deserving of the power to say "yes" or "no" in regards to our interactions with our biological families. I don't think anyone will argue that adoptees "owe" their natural parents a realtionship or a visit. But what about the kept siblings? What if they want to know their placed sister or brother?
Well...too bad. I feel bad writing those words, but it's how I feel. My heart aches for the little children who simply cannot understand why their sibling has no interest in knowing them. And I pity the adoptee who alienates their biological families..especially siblings. Because knowing them can be an enormous gift. But are we obligated? Do we owe it to our parents kept children to be their friend? Sorry... no. Let Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa explain why little Johnny doesn't live with them anymore. Even if it wasn't the natural parents choice to place (it happens)- they still need to explain to their kept children about societal pressures, influence, and family injustices. I'm sure the story around the siblings placement isn't a happy one. Relinquishment stories rarely are. But you want to know why mom and dad didnt keep your sister or brother? You'd better ask mom and dad. Because your sibling was itty bitty when it happened. They had no more control than you have.
Asking anything of the sort of the adoptee is ludicrous. I'm not here to explain to my little sister why our parents gave me away 2 years before she was born. It wasn't my decision, baby doll. And had I been consulted, I probably wouldn't have been in favor of it.
It is a SHAME when children have to pay for adults mistakes or decisions. I know...adoptees are the opitome of children who pay for the actions of adults. We are the spokespeople. Sometimes the sum is heavy, sometimes not so much. But there is always something to pay. There is always a price. I ache for the children who want to know their siblings, for the loving parents who want to know their placed children. I ache, and I wish I could shake some of those adoptees, and say "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE?? GO PICK UP THAT PHONE, IDIOT!"
Personally? I have never denied a sibling. Or a relative. I have been denied over and over...but I have never rejected a soul. I don't understand adoptees who simply don't care about their natural families. But... I cannot blame them. I cannot criticize them. I think it is their right.
I'm tired of obligations. I'm tired of the argument of " the equal playing field". The field has NEVER been even, my friends. It certainly wasn't when I was born, and it never will be. I still have members of my biological family who can't look me in the eye simply because I exist. My kept siblings have always had their love and affection and acceptance. My sister wants an explanation? Go ask Grandma. Go ask Dad. Go ask mom. Your family decided this. We grew up apart because of them. You have a question? A complaint? Don't understand how mom and dad could give away one child and keep others? You wanna know your brother? You want an explanation? Don't dial my number, sis. I don't understand it either.
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10 commenti:
You need a LIKE button. LOL!
I find your anger towards sibilngs that had nothing to do with your adoption to be interesting.
Were you really asked to explain your adoptiong to a sibling? Crazy.
I remember when my son asked me (when he was 7 and had just been told about his sister, by me) "why didnt gramma help you?". I stammered and finally answered by saying he should probably ask Gramma that question.
I am done explaining and defending the piss poor behavior of others. My mother can explain herself as my daughter can explain herself. I am only accountable for my behavior - piss poor or otherwise.
Posts like this validate my decision to cease talking about my daughter, cease exposing my son to his sister, so thank you.
(submitted this before but I think it errored out. sorry if it is duplicated.
I guess my feelings about my reunion with my first mother and my brother are that she continues to protect him from me and he is 23years old. She wrote a book about him and how wonderful of a mother she was to him and sent me a copy. She just isn't the same person to him as she was to me. She actually told me that I should have to do most of the work in a reunion with him as I am the one with the hole in my heart and he doesn't have one so he really has no real need for me. She shares with him things that have happened between her and I and really makes me out to be a bad person. Then he feels the need to defend her and villify me. It truly is sad... I find it less hurtful to not have contact with my first family anymore.
Suz-
Why do you think I am angry at siblings? I have a good relationship with most of mine. One doesn't like me, but it has more to do with the fact that she is jealous. And yes, my sister asked me many times about why I was placed. I told her the version I know, but she kept telling me it was unfair. She didn't get it. So, I told her to ask our parents. I don't know if she ever did.
Maybe one day your kids will ask your mother about why she didn't help you (if thats the case, I don't recall). I wonder how she will respond.
Posts like this? Like what- where I as an adoptee refuse the notion that I am obliged to offer support, explanations, or a relationship to my parents kept children? Maybe you're right to protect your son from your placed daughter. It seems like her behavior is hurting him. But despite my feelings of non-obligation, I enjoy a relationship with my siblings and would never deny them. I consistently communicate with my birth family even though sometimes they treat me like shit. I love my siblings and treat them with kindness and respect. So, you don't have to protect your son from posts written by people like me.
I think your daughter is missing out. I'd love it if my family welcomed me like yours welcomes her. But I don't feel bad about my opinion. And I don't have "anger towards siblings".
Just me: you need one too :)
So didn't see any anger toward siblings in your post. In fact, didn't see anger at all, I saw strength and clarity.
Amanda, I love the way you're able to separate your personal feelings, conduct and desires from other adoptees. To me it's quite clear your personal preference would be that adoptees do find out what happened, to give relationships with bio people a chance and to try and be respectful along the way. It's what you've done and you have no regrets for it. At the same time, without judgment of adoptees' motives or clarity of mind, it's just as clear that you strongly respect their individual right to do things differently, to do things in whatever way suits them and their particular circumstance best.
You do need a like button. LIKE!
Oh, my apologies, I must be confused by your post. At first with your title and first para or two I thought you were attempting to show compassion and understanding for kept siblings who, like you, had no say in your adoption or the loss of you from your original family.
Then went you went into statements like the below I thought you were venting directly at your siblings (for it seem contradictory to showing compassion). For example:
> It wasn't my decision, baby doll. (baby doll sounded snarky)
> You want an explanation? Don't dial my number, sis. (sounded harsh, like you were directing it at your sister)
> I'm tired of the argument of " the equal playing field" (seemed to imply that your feelings mattered more than your siblings or anyone else for that matter)
> YOUR family (seemed to suggest that you were not part of the family and it was something you felt)
As stated, I was confused by the mixed messaging and did not realize you were attempting to make a global statement about all siblings and how you feel they should be treated as it seemed like you were making certain references to your own experience.
As for my own, and your reference what did you say "(if that's the case,.." I can state that is the case and wow, again, not sure what you were suggesting by questioning my own experience but then I don't need to explain or defend myself to you any more than you do to me. But yes, that was, as you say, "the case".
I am not sure I agree that I don't have to protect my son from posts like this. I am protecting my son AND my daughter. I fear he will get an erroneous assumption of his sister based on what he reads of other adoptees who may, or may not, feel what his sister does. I greatly prefer he form opinions of his sister based on her own actions - not the actions of others.
Should he ever come across posts like this, and has the fortitude to share or question me about it, my intent will be to tell him that one adoptee voice does not represent the voice of all adoptees and what you feel about your siblings, or the world of siblings, may be not be what his sister feels about him. I would encourage him to ask her directly.
Well, yes Suz. I am not sure how I feel about my natural family, in the sense that I'm not sure I can count them as "MY" family. And I KNOW how my sister feels..she has told me many many times to go back to "my family", and to leave her and HER family alone because I have another one and she only has one. So, any perceived snarkiness you read probably was coming from my personal experience with this personal sibling.
Your right that your son has to form his own opinions on his sister. But to date- it seems he hasn't had a good experience. I hope that changes for him, and for you.
I would like to point out that DESPITE my being treated badly by siblings and other members of my natural family, I have always maintained my compassion. I have never retaliated. So, it ruffles my feathers a bit to feel as if someone is calling me callous and a bit mean (which, honestly, is what I think you are doing).
I have never stated that my feelings mean MORE. Not once. In fact, I believe I said just the opposite. But, I do believe that, as the adoptee, the final choice about whether or not I form a relationship with ANY member of my biological family should be my own. And if I chose not to, I shouldn't be made to feel guilty.
It's interesting how fellow adoptees read this with a totally different light.
I get what you are saying, and I respect my daughter's right to have nothing to do with her kept siblings. Stupid that I thought it wouldn't be that way. She could have had unlimited contact with her bio-sibs but she chooses not to and I respect that. I don't like it. It makes me very sad that they are missing out on each other but then I caused the breach. Now her bio-sibs no longer show any interest in her, they no longer ask any questions, perhaps that will change over the years. I'm not encouraging it as it seems pointless to try to be-friend someone who doesn't want a relationship.
I reread both of my comments and dont see anywhere that I used the words "callous and mean".
I expressed confusion over the audience/intent of your post when I erroneously assumed it was directed at YOUR family, YOUR sister that asked you why you were place. I now understand that you are directing it to the entire adoption population and stating your views on how all siblings should be treated in your opinion.
Most blogging platforms support the inclusion of like buttons. Perhaps you can find a widget online.
(and why does every first comment I post crap out with a wierd 404 error! So annoying to post twice!)
I found this a very interesting post, the comments interesting as well. I am in agreement that an adoptee has no obligation in regards to kept siblings. I am a 44-year old adoptee "in reunion" for 2 years now. My first/birth/natural mother didn't have any other children, but did help parent the daughters of her husband. I remember the (wholly unexpected and unprepared for) wave of jealousy that rushed through me when I learned that she had actively mothered her younger stepdaughter. Bear in mind, I am a middle-aged, generally well-adjusted, individual. The intensity of my feelings took me completely by surprise. Ambivalence toward a kept child needs to be allowed for - that they "did nothing wrong" is a given. It's also entirely beside the point.
Additionally, if there is a considerable age difference between the siblings, that, too will likely have some impact on the amount of interest/disinterest the adoptee may feel. My cousin surrendered a child as a teenager and was reunited with her a few years ago. Her surrendered daughter had children only a couple years younger than my cousin's subsequent children. She wasn't really prepared or interested in playing "big sister" to my cousin's 7-year old kept child. It was heart-breaking to both my cousin and her little girl, but unreasonable to expect the surrendered daughter to play a role she didn't ask to be given.
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