Responsibility.

I am a firm believer in the notion that everyone in the world of adoption is obliged to accept their responsibility.  In these days, relinquishment and adoption do not happen magically- they involve at least two calculated decisions.

As an adoptee, I accept my obligation to be understanding, compassionate, and open. I foster relationships with members of my adoptive family, and I do the same for members of my natural family. I accept any sibling who wants to know me, I  maintain and nourish the relationships I have with my natural mother and father. I make mother and father’s day cards, I make calls on all holidays. I send congratulations for new babies, weddings, and birthdays. 

There are very few things that would cause me to cease contact with my natural parents. If they had no respect for my adoptive family, I would have to seriously reconsider our relationship. They don’t have to be friends- they don’t even have to talk to one another. And it goes both ways. I  don’t expect my parents to be HAPPY about my relationship with my biological family. But I do expect them to be supportive of me, and I expect them to accept it gracefully (as they have). 

One thing is for sure though- if my natural parents did not take responsibility for their actions, it would not be able to have a relationship with them. And the reasoning is simple- they made a life altering and objectively damaging decision on my behalf. Without my consent or knowledge or approval. All parents make decisions like that for their children. The only difference is that my parents actually made a decision to NOT be my parents. 

They robbed me of my name, my heritage, and the security of growing up with my own clan. They chose to give me to another family- and in doing so stripped me if my most core identity, of my right to grow up within my own family. They destroyed the most important relationships in my young life- the one that I was supposed to have with them. They ensured that my siblings and I would grow up apart. They robbed my siblings of their sister, their parents of a grandchild. 

They did all of these things for a few simple reasons.  They did not feel they had sufficient money to raise me in the custom to which they had been raised. My paternal family hated my natural mother. And my father did not want to be a parent at that time. He was 27 and my mother was 25. 

Over the course of our reunion, they have explained  their reasoning to me. They have expressed regret. They have expressed sadness, and they have asked my forgiveness. But never, not once, did they tell me that it wasn’t their fault. They take full responsibility for the decision they made over 2 decades ago. And I’m glad they do.

Babies don’t give up themselves. In this day  & age, when single parenting is on the rise, children out of wedlock are no longer seen as the scum of the earth, and parenting classes and aid are so readily available- I find it hard to understand that women are placing children. Capable, sane, normal, kind women are giving their babies up left and right. And I find it pretty sick. I’m sure they have their reasons- and I can only hope that they don’t sound hollow 20 years from now when their children want to know why they were given away.

I hear a lot of women who placed recently talking about familial pressures, societal stigmas, and unsupportive partners. Everyone is keen to blame the big bad adoption industry.... as if they were tricking every woman who experiences and unexpected pregnancy. But the reality is this : most women keep their babies. Poor, dumb, smart, white, black, rich, young , old - the adjectives don’t matter. The percentage of women who place is VERY small.

So, how can people continue to blame the adoptive parents or the adoption industry for THEIR decisions? If the industry permeated nearly as much as some natural parents claim, everyone would be giving up their babies. But that simply isn’t true. Are women who place less resilient, more impressional than their counterparts who keep their babies? Are they simply gullible, giving into the industry while their more sly sisters hold on to their offspring? I don’t think any of that is true.  But that is what some natural parents are trying to make me believe. They are victims, they claim. And maybe that’s so. I believe that natural parents are the victims of the most insidious idea: that they are unworthy of raising their own children.

But I accept the victim role only until a certain point. Something like 98% of pregnant women keep their babies. Even very young woman. It’s what comes naturally to us, it’s what we are SUPPOSED to do. The fact that the small percentage of women who give up their babies then go on to say that somebody else made them do it just infuriates me. We are no longer in the BSE. Things have changed, and are changing. Keeping your baby is easier  and more socially acceptable than ever. 

I don’t think its easy to take responsibility for an unpopular decision. Because face it, after the adoption is finalized, natural mothers are no longer the “saints” they were before relinquishment. Most people cringe at the idea of giving away their child. Most people cannot imagine it, even in the most desperate of circumstances. It cant be easy to have done the unimaginable. It’s easy to blame other people, or other entities. 

But one fact remains- had my parents not given me up, I would not have been adopted. Its really quite simple.  For every choice there is a consequence.  I pity the adoptees my age who  have parents who simply will not take responsibility.

Adoption has taken so much from me. And I’ll be damned if the people who chose it for me aren’t going to admit it.  I wonder how the children born in the 90’s think..and the children born in the 2000’s. I hope that all modern day parents have some damn good reasons. Otherwise they are going to have a difficult time explaining to their children why they were cast away. It's so unnatural to be given away. And if the reasons are hallow....it makes it much worse.