Crumbs

                                                               (me and my sister)

I recently read a post by Kara, entitled " "I love you, but...."

             In this post, she criticizes  various first mothers on their open adoptions- outlining the various discrepencies she sees in their open adoption arrangements. The mother whose family doesn't know her placed child exists, the mother who had another child and kept him only  a few years after she placed her firstborn. Her gushing love for her kept child is in stark contrast to the "coldness and emotional distance" she expresses to the child she placed.

         Though I am not 100% agreement with these observations, the post and succesive comments were quite interesting to me. Many of my fellow adoptees are sticking up for these children, highlighting the possible negative feelings they will experience when they realize that  they are a secret, when they see that their first parents are madly in love with their sibling and seemingly not them.
      I've been in both of those adoptees shoes. I was a secret for a long time- and I was born in the late 80's! I have a sister who is 1 year and 364 days younger than me. She was never a secret. Born under the SAME circumstances, she is the beloved child of her family- welcomed and treasured from the start.
Does that hurt? You bet it does. I reunited before I was a teenager, and spent many years of my childhood and adolescence trying to find the difference between my sister and I. Trying to figure out what made her wanted. She is my full sister- born 729 days after me. And I know that those 729 days are what made all the difference.
         I guess it comes down to this: what do our biological families owe us? If they promise an open adoption... are they required to tell their families about us? Is it their moral obligation to claim us as their children- in church, in schools, in family functions? Or should we just be happy that they want to know us at all? Should we, along with our adoptive parents, simply accept any crumb of acceptance that we are offered, or should we demand more?
         I know that I am less important than my sister. The given away child, I am painfully aware of my own inadequacy, of my inferiority within my biological family. I, the inconvienence and nasty surprise in their lives, have lived a separate existence. When I express my disappointment in the fact that many of my my biological relatives refuse to acknowledge me, I am told to count my blessings.
                 "at least some of them wanted to know you"
                 "at least you werent aborted"
                  "at least you have a good family that loves you. These people are extra"
     But thats not entirely true, is it? My parents gave me away. And that's a fact. As the unwanted child, am I less? Am I less deserving of my family's love and acceptance? Am I expected to make concessions, just naturally accept the fact that I am less loved, less special? The dirty little secret, the baby thrust from my family of origin.
      As adoptees, we are always expected to make sacrifices to compensate for the fact that our parents gave us to other families. These concessions come so naturally:

         "Well, of course you're less loved, of course you are loved in a different way than your siblings who were kept."
                "Well, it's normal that you are a secret. At least you're alive"
              "It's okay that your whole family doesn't accept you. It was a hard situation. Be happy you have a good family now who loves you."

Natural law and natural circumstances no longer apply to us. The given away children- we are held to different standards, offered different affections. Biology matters to everyone but us. Familial love and loyalty apply to everyone but us. It is natural for a mother to love her child- unless you're adopted. Then you should just shutup and take whatever crumbs your natural family throws your way.