I found out I had a sister when I was 11 years old. My excitement to meet and know my natural parents flew out the window when I heard about her...I was so excited to be a BIG sister! We wrote letters to each other- colorful little notes designed with flowers and puppies and stars. We would profess our never-ending love for one another. We were Sisters- separated by circumstance, but reunited by destiny. We took trips to visit each other- visiting the highest floors of the tallest skyscrapers in NYC, riding horses in the golden fields of Texas.
And then one day, it stopped. She hit puberty, decided she didn't want anything to do with me, the little intruder into her family, and she convinced 99% of the family to exile me with her. Only our father and his wife, steadfast, continued to talk to me in secret. The last time I saw them was on one of my birthdays, 5 years ago.
Nicole is my full sibling. I loved her once. I am her only full sibling. She doesn't talk to any of our half siblings. I talk to all of them. And yet, knowing all of them is not enough for me. I want so desperately to be friends with Nicole. We have our issues, yes. I am jealous of her, yes. But I was always willing to put them ALL aside if it meant that we could build our relationship. She's never really been interested. We had a year or so of good, solid communication. She cut me off about a month ago when I started talking with our maternal family- a part of her family she doesn't like. She sees me as a threat.
I heard news today that Nicole is getting married. I saw the engagement announcement on facebook today. Her ring is beautiful. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will not be invited. Her bridesmaids will be her friends and her step sister.
My natural father got married two years ago. I was not invited to that either. He wanted to invite me, he said, but he couldn't because it would create a stir within his family- mostly with his mother Thank you adoption, for making sure that I was not there to see my own fathers wedding. Thank you adoption for making damn sure that I will not be invited, let alone be a part of, my only full sisters wedding.
Nicole- I remember when you were small. I remember when we BOTH were small. Time passes- it is one thing that we can be sure of. I wish I could congratulate you, I wish I could see you. Your ring is beautiful, and I know you'll be beautiful too. I wish you, as I always have, all the happiness in the world.
8 commenti:
((((hugs)))) adoption sucks... I was not invited to any of the three of my only daughter's weddings...
((((Amanda))))
Amanda, it is of you good to remember her as a child. i am sorry she does not do the same. (((HUGS)))
Hello Amanda, this must have been a ridiculously hard situation for you, I don't even know how I would have dealt with it in your place, probably not very well. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Personally, I'm an international adoptee from an extremely impoverished part of the world, therefore making mine a very closed adoption. I truly identify with a lot of the things you have said in your blogs. This being said, I was wondering why you focused your frustration on the "adoption" situation itself rather than on the people themselves? It seems like they made choices, and in my opinion, bad choices. From what I know, you don't deserve to be treated that way, and I hope that you know that. Circumstances are sometimes circumstances and I can understand and accept that. Sometimes, however, there are conscious choices, and I think people should recognize the difference. I admire your strength in this situation and I wish you only happiness as you grow beyond it.
Anonymous-
Thanks for your comment! :)
I'm glad you are able to relate to some of the things that I write! It gives me such a good feeling when I read other blogs and I can really FEEL what they are writing, because I've experienced it too.
I wonder- what do you think I should have written?
"Thanks natural mother and father for giving me up and making sure that Nicole and I don't have any sort of relationship?"
It does seem more accurate. I dont really have a problem criticizing their decision.because I DO think they had some pretty...frivolous reasons for placing me. But I also know that when they did it, they hadn't the slightest clue on how it would ffect me, them, OR the children they had after me. Let alone how it affected their entire extended family, and how it will affect even MY future kids. I don't think it occurred to them...at least not enough to make them think twice.
Sure, I know that, at the end of the day, my parents made a CHOICE. I was born in the late 80's, they were 25 and 27 when I was born, and they had money. So..."choice" seems like the only really accurate word. But I know that my natural father would give his right arm if it meant that Nicole and I could love each other, if it meant that I would come be a part of their family again. I don't think he "chose" THIS..at least not knowingly.
(((Amanda)))
I am sorry that you are excluded (wrongly, IMO) from what is usually a joyous family event. I disagree with anonymous that it's just circumstances at work here; it's not, after all, a friendship in which you and your sister merely drifted apart or things went sour over words exchanged one Thanksgiving long ago. It began with the erasure of an entire relationship in legal terms and grew on those ruins with the fallout of an immense burden of guilt, misunderstandings, lack of shared experiences, vast insecurities, and feared missteps at every turn without having open communication. Because, after all, we are told again and again we have "our own other families." It's brutal.
Hey girly - your post breaks my heart and I am in the EXACT same situation with my sister, it's just that she's the older one (bmom kept her and brother, then placed me for adoption). I miss her every day of my life. I feel like part of my heart is gone...because she isn't in my life. We had this primal connection, much like you and Nicole...and then, it went out the window.
Breaks my heart. I try not to dwell on it, or I'd spend 24/7 in tears. I'm sorry for your situation and I'm sorry for mine.
Hugs.
Your sister is a twit for all this. And your family allowing her to dominate them all is just their excuse. I think anon was trying to tell you that the problem isn't adoption itself but the actual people being thoughtless, cowards in their own decisioning making. If they truly love you and want you to be a part of their lives and vice versa then they need to be the parents and tell Nicole she doesn't rule their lives. They need to tell her she can accept you or she can choose to remove herself from the family and for the first time experience what you must be feeling.
It makes me very angry to read this but I do know what you are going through.
The only one who seems to accept me is my half sister. But when she was getting married (and I was the maid of honor) our mother threw her a bridal shower and didn't even invite me. Granted, we live 6 states apart so I wouldn't be able to go but I would have sent a gift or tried to help with costs... SOMETHING. The fact that our own mother didn't even think to or want to include me said it all and at that moment I knew where I stood with her.
The only difference for me is that my sister is a lot like me with a mouth just like me... we tell it like it is and she has no problem telling them all to f-off when they start their crap about me.
Hugs to you.
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